full moon

Full moon gives me hope. A symbol that the world is full of possibilities. Bounty, opportunity, beauty and magic. And my prayer to the full moon this morning was gratitude for the good fortune I experience every day through continuing to grow my self acceptance and compassion and learning to pause and respond differently. As the moon wanes I will continue to let go of anger, harsh self judgement, over reacting, guilt, and denying myself my dreams and desires. Let go of negative thoughts being foremost in my thoughts.

Sunday morning outside the coffee shop

Nice weekend so far. No substances. No restaurant eating. Cooked food at home. Worked out yesterday, well should say went to the gym I am not quite working out yet. But I have moved on from 15 minutes to 30 minutes in both the pool and on the nu step and from level1 to level 2 on the nu step.


Apt pretty clean and most errands done. Today I get to go to work when no one is there and finish some work I need uninterrupted quiet for. Then go for a swim.

Town is quiet and it is not hot. I am grateful. It is that special time of year when people are away getting in their final vacations before school year starts, no festivals, no tourists, the students have not yet returned. A person does not stand in line or look for parking space. Life is good.


I'm outside at my favorite coffee spot. Loving that first sip when my coffee connects to my soul ... I'm drinking the good stuff. I feel rich.

Last night around midnight the cats and I were awakened by the sound of a shrew being killed. Damn those critters can make a noise. We all lifted our heads at the same time, as if to hear the noise better, and when it stopped we put our heads back down like a chorus line.

Got my results from the stress test. All good.  Still looking to relieve this exhaustion and find its root cause. Energy levels are better. Maybe it was all the wine I was drinking combined with no coffee or meat. Wine out, coffee and meat back in my diet.

Shells

Wrote the following on my phone May 31 and finally got around to sending it to my blog diary.

I have two shells and I'm trying to reverse them from where they've always lived in my body or on my body. Maybe I've changed the outer shell and it now feels like one of those paper flowers disk flowers there I can't remember what they're called it really popular when I was a kid and they're very frail and you can see through them and they're white and they're a little rough there not completely smooth but in places they are very smooth that's the outer shell (Lunaria annua) but inside inside I have this iron coded Center that is Unbreakable. Things passing cars would to yell at me -Have another donut- OR my dad saying "I think the problem is that you are like your mother very much like your mother." From Kate "you're going to die a lonely old woman"

It's an American belief that transformation is just around the next corner. Maybe a new place to live a new job a new car or for those less about possessions maybe yoga maybe wellbutrin meditation pot gardening veganism Ppl seem frail precious brittle want risk free lives and safety all the time. I fucking resent it. Safety?

believe

I believe I can have a better, safer and happier life.

I believe that I can be healthier and improve my physical ability. Self care first. Taking my sugar levels, eating healthy, exercising. And I have been doing this consistently.

I do feel better. I have more energy. I was really scared for a while. No energy and so sluggish but putting more protein and coffee back into my diet has helped. I have a stress test on Fri-tomorrow.

How I respond to my ptsd episodes is very important to my ability to have a better life.How I look at my life and the days already lived is also very important. Stopping the bad thoughts.

And fun....

Meeting friends out for drinks and dinner seems it. I need more. Swimming for me is big fun. Going to the theatre and to concerts is big fun. Hangin with Sarah.  Directing.

When I was a kid it was traveling through the woods exploring nature. Swimming. Being around the horses. Making art and writing. But they all seem so solitary. Playing cards-pinochle was so much fun long ago.

I stay away from the group efforts at work. Feel too self conscious I think, all that comparison thinking going on....and not feeling safe.

There is a women's dance in Lansing on Sat and I am considering going. Its an hour and 18 mins away.

I do feel like I am getting some traction lately, doing more and feeling better. Not drinking a bottle of wine every night-that has stopped-and the binge eating. I am trying to be more aware of the hooks that push me over into the binges which I do to change the bad feelings. But the bad feelings are like a close friend-hard to lose-hard to abandon. Like a close friend sometimes you just accept and say pk but I am going to have a good time anyway and sometimes you say i cant take it and i am going to do something to not feel bad. It a cycle and I have to break it.

maybe that's why

the days of my life already lived.....

i had a new thought about my history of relationships. maybe i said yes just so I could say no. making up for all the years i was powerless and could not say no.  maybe i am just learning now that i can say no without having to say yes first. mag may have taught this to me. i knew not to say yes, i had plenty of clues, concerns worries, fear even of her. i recognized her false sense of herself. i saw through the charm. and i was tired of being alone doing everything for myself and by myself and i wanted love. i said yes. ....knowing I could say no. but...if i knew i could say no eventually, then y say yes at all? ok to risk to be vulnerable I know...but maybe I say yes so i can say no and take back my power. maybe standing in the sea foam green bathroom and saying no, saying go away NO! was a powerful memory that i enjoy reliving...

Here's the deal

I am not a bad person. And for whatever time I have left at this point in my life I will live in a cocoon of self love and self acceptance.

From this point on I will stop the bad thoughts and focus on the good ones.

figuring it out

I see me. That is me. Female child alone holding a beast. Looks like she is accustomed to holding him, despite his size, weight, wart covered hide, sharp, horns, talons and teeth. He could rip her apart, but she holds her gaze, looking straight ahead into the eyes of those who behold her. She looks strong. Capable. Her gaze draws in more than the beast she holds. She hopes you see her and not the beast. Is she protecting the beast? It is not a familiar image except to those of us who recognize ourselves.