my last rites

Like so many rousing military send offs, I want mine to begin with bagpipes.

Because I have been fighting all my life.

vibrate at a higher level

MONDAY
I am not in a good place, mentally, as they say.
I am in a panic most days about one thing or another
I try to stay under the radar all the time.
I want to rush home from work don't even want to shop really
Well I will go shop or forage for food, bad food. Or food that is not good for my health.
Just go home, eat, drink wine, smoke, sleep and I am happy
Because I am not present
not present with my feelings
feelings of despair
the usual shit storm of feeling
bad, not good enough, not nice enough, not kind enough but mostly
just not good enough

TUESDAY
I am trying to ratchet back as well as vibrate higher
It is hard
my main defense has been to protect myself at any cost
others whose jobs it were to protect me, failed
so i defend my self with hyper-vigilance
and it has served me and it has been a dis-service
to me and to those around me
I regret that
many regrets

which I need to leave behind and let go of.
I keep thinking I can get rid of stuff
and I do I go through cupboards, and drawers
and throw away stuff or re-gift it

others experience as me being harsh
something I feel I work hard to reduce
respond
do not react
react means I am on automatic
and I'm too big or too small or just too wrong in my response
try to remind myself to take a deep breathe so I don't over-react.

I have been a warrior
is the aging?
is it the longer view
that makes me think so differently about myself

I would like to say I love the woman I have become.....

sounds from my youth

horses hooves ick ack ick ack
my father clearing his throat
teaspoon clank on tea cup
fire wood crackles
striking matches scrape and pop
squeaking boots on hard packed snow
water boiling till the pan shakes on the burner
cat purring in my ear
tree leaves rustling
mom talking on the phone
window being opened and shut
electric beaters against glass bowl
bells ringing at mass
air raid siren
mimeograph drum whirl whirl whirl
the shifting gears of a bread truck
bicycle wheel whirrrrr
back door screen slam
running water in bath tub

Changes

It has been three weeks since my shoulder surgery. Doing pretty well the sling is so annoying and frustrates every second every day which causes stress that hurts no fun at all. It has slowed me down for sure and the mere fact that I'm using my non-dominant hand for most everything I really think is difficult For my brain. So when I say it Has slowed the down it's Made me hesitant. About the only thing that can calm me down Is smoking pot, It makes The situation Tolerable. Oh my God this talk to text is making me crazy I try to speak distinctly and slowly and I still get some type's TYPOS.

It has also brought me closer to Kate  there's no denying that..she spent 10 days with me starting the day before surgery went home and then came back and spent another three days with me this past weekend. Jane came with her both times, Giving me an opportunity to get to know Jane better, and for us to get closer. I really think the world of Jane, she's a remarkable young woman.

I still worry a great deal about Kate and must keep reminding myself that there have been significant changes in her personality over the last years, positive changes. She has matured. And there have been many achievements such as she has quit smoking and sh e and Jane have purchased a home. I am very proud of her and there have been significant achievements In her career as well.

I also think that Kate is breaking through some of her PTSD. She decided, just this week, to seek medication and counseling for her mental health. That's so hard for all of us, but I think that this time she will follow through.

Her recent constant presence in my life, has made it crystal clear to me, how much time I spend alone. After her departures the house seemed incredibly hollow and I missed them very much, so reentry is difficult.

I'm following all the rules for the shoulder surgery follow-up, now I refocus On work. Saying I'm behind Is an understatement. And I also have to focus on Figuring out how to pay off fine Renew a drivers license before the end of October. All of that is Looming over my Head.

sigh

Soldier shoulder

I had rotator cuff surgery on my shoulder last week. And my daughter came was here for many days to take care of me.I miss her so we were having a really good time this is--we really were. My place felt empty and lonely without her the minute she left.

In a lot of trouble with this talk to text

What a mess

It's true. Life is a mess. Happiness alludes me. Daily shame, fear, tears, guilt, serve as my shield against the world.
Physical pain.  My left knee, left hip, right shoulder, mastectomy scar and now my right hand all hurt and impacts my mobility negatively. Stairs one at time, or find another way all together.
It feels like a subconscious suicide.

almost may

hellacious cold. one whole month. feels like i will never have health. I was in bed for more than a week. could not move. coughed. coughed. coughed. and i blew my nose raw. one whole month.  Playing catch up at work and in rehearsals and house work cleaning shopping errands.