Every whim..

I have been indulging my every whim. I have been eating potato chips, corn chips, beef burritos, macaroni salad, pulled pork, baked beans, walnut cake, hot dogs, ice cream, hot fudge sundae, french fries, hamburgers and cookies. Yesterday it was more of the same. Macaroni salad again, a pound of it in one sitting. 12 dumplings. carrots, celery and veggie dip.  two steak and cheese LC sandwich. almonds. cheese. It numbs me. It kills me too. It kills feelings, fear, anxiety, the voice in my head that is my critical parent, the relentless one. Pot smoking helps too. I sleep so well when I am smoking pot. And I eat everything in site sleep smoke eat sleep smoke eat sleep-and so on and so it goes and nothing ever changes, not really. Talk therapy, ten years of pills, EMDR, diet pills, liquid diets, weight watchers, gym memberships, workshops, ten years of theatre, marathon movie watching, self help books, and more self help books, yoga, tai chi, massage therapy. All tried. All temporary changes. Still fat, scared, angry, stuck...and now older and focused on death and or escape. I am still trying to escape out my bedroom window. Lock the bedroom door. It took mom a good five minutes to get it open, I took out the window screen and climbed out the window directly to the ground behind the shrubs, jump over and running away again to the woods. She can't catch me. Did you every feel you had to run away from your own mother? 

PTSD is in charge of my every whim. Where IS that book on binge eating from Suzy?