It has been a dense time in my life and one with many changes. Maggie is out of my life completely. The big fall from diet and exercise has been corrected and life is restored with healthier choices again. I am in therapy, and have had three sessions so far. I am very pleased with the therapist I identified. Oddly I used the internet to find her, and my health care insurance is paying for half of it. I have completely remodeled my apartment. Bought a new couch, threw out Chuck's chair, and my mother's china and anything else that a SAD memory attached to it. I am trying to create a place with fewer triggers. That means an updating of my environment and what I see when I come home, My friends helped me. I moved everything into the basement. I had couch and chair taken away. We painted the entire place, every wall ceiling trim...all of it. I have learned that I am making it safe at home by changing it al fro when Maggie was here, when I was that person. I am a new person from then I am changing for the better ...I am letting go of a lot of weight I have been carrying....as I lose body weight I gain emotional knowledge of my self. And I let go of emotional weight that I no longer carry because I am letting it go.... It has been a great process in that way. And the letting go of the shame, guilt, feeling bad and scared all at the same time...letting go of that makes room for gratitude, healing, wellness and love.
I have a new friend named Jackie. She is very butch harley dyke pot grower. I met her online. She has been very kind and helpful. She cant do enough for me. She helped pick up the Ikea run and she helped put everything together, she hung all my art and bought me a pound of my favorite coffee. I am not attracted to her and she is a dangerous choice in that she has a never ending supply of something I want to stay away from.
I like how the "place" is coming together. This process is replicate of when back in the day I would move and move again to feel safe. Something would trigger the flight. Because back then I had two channels. Fight or flight. Here I have stayed in place, and I have calmed down and I am now more present because I feel safer here. I feel safer here than I have anywhere else except when in a theater or the woods.
Took my first yoga class on Wednesday, 4 days ago, and I can still feel the "results" and I swam 30 mins this past week and got to the gym 4 times last week...aiming for 5 times this week.
I have a new therapist, we have had three sessions.She is a butch lesbian and we have connected and she is helping me. I can feel the difference. I look forward to the sessions.
and this I now believe and know about Maggie. I really loved her, I loved her in a way I have NOT been capable of loving before. I was present. I was vulnerable. I was willing to compromise. I did compromise. And I loved her unconditionally. Between Caroline's recurrence and Maggie's own belief system....she walked away without even saying goodbye. Hurts a lot. But I picked her because I loved her and wanted a big open out there relationship. She was not ready for that. She wanted to be but alas she was guilty of no ability or skill on that score and I am only guilty of reasonable expectations.
