Can't breathe

I cannot breathe. I keep having trouble catching my breath and not feeling panicked. Unfamiliar that is how I feel to myself. Unfamiliar. I am tired and have low energy. After work and workouts I have nothing left to do anything else.

If they only knew

Forever

For all the therapy over all the years, starting in my 20s and continuing until now at age 60 I have avoided the most painful part of my life. Yesterday I said the words I have been too ashamed to say. Said them out loud to my therapist. And nothing bad happened. And then the other words came at me from across the room. Words that were painful to hear. Analysis of why I did what I did and why I had never spoken of it.

He was in some ways the person who taught me about pleasure. Taught me about my own body.

Stay present
Do not abandon this long struggled for opportunity to be well and to be at peace with myself
I can work through this

It was closure
It was a moment to find resolution at last
It was a search for identity
a return to what was familiar
was this me?
I went there to find out

Not uncommon as most experiences are
I am not the only person who has ever made that choice

The pleasure part
I do not remember ever experiencing any pleasure
I remember pretending to be asleep
I remember feeling chocked and gagged
Felling bad

Jimmy I could not trust
Jimmy embarrassed me publicly
In front of his friends he humiliated me
He was an embarrassment to the family, in my mind
His elaborate lies and fantasies
I only have memories of being with him and being embarrassed

I am present
I am not discharging
I am exploring the new information in sisterhood with kindness and compassion