coffe shop morning

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]

I don't have words for my fears
for my ptsd
for how i feel a certain friend is treating me
it is as if these questions are shutting me down making me sad
i feel i am losing my ability to articulate

2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]

I need to say I am feeling better physically. My sugars are more controlled and in the safer range. I need to say I am doing this. I am going to keep doing this . I need to say I went to the gym three times last week and will do the same this week. I need to say that I believe in myself. I believe in myself.
but really i do not believe in myself

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]

I swallow guilt and shame every day. It is a tyranny to my everyday abilty to thrive.I am my own tyrant

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

People will stop loving me.
I will die lonely
I will die without the respect of others
I will lose connection to the people who love me

May 31 2016

I have two shells and I'm trying to reverse them from where they've always lived in my body or on my body Maybe I've changed the outer shell and now feels like one of those paper flowers disk flowers there I can't remember what they're called it really popular when I was a kid and they're very frail and you can see through them and they're white and they're a little rough there not completely smooth but in places they are very smooth that's the outer shell but inside inside I have this iron coded Center that is Unbreakable Things people used to yell at me that I now believe from my dad I think the problem is that you are like your mother very much like your mother. From my daughter you're going to die a lonely old woman It's an American belief that transformation is just around the next corner. Maybe a new place to live a new job a new car or for those less about possessions maybe yoga maybe wellbutrin meditation pot gardening veganism Ppl seem frail precious brittle want risk free lives and safety all the time. I fucking resent it. Safety?