my last rites

Like so many rousing military send offs, I want mine to begin with bagpipes.

Because I have been fighting all my life.

vibrate at a higher level

MONDAY
I am not in a good place, mentally, as they say.
I am in a panic most days about one thing or another
I try to stay under the radar all the time.
I want to rush home from work don't even want to shop really
Well I will go shop or forage for food, bad food. Or food that is not good for my health.
Just go home, eat, drink wine, smoke, sleep and I am happy
Because I am not present
not present with my feelings
feelings of despair
the usual shit storm of feeling
bad, not good enough, not nice enough, not kind enough but mostly
just not good enough

TUESDAY
I am trying to ratchet back as well as vibrate higher
It is hard
my main defense has been to protect myself at any cost
others whose jobs it were to protect me, failed
so i defend my self with hyper-vigilance
and it has served me and it has been a dis-service
to me and to those around me
I regret that
many regrets

which I need to leave behind and let go of.
I keep thinking I can get rid of stuff
and I do I go through cupboards, and drawers
and throw away stuff or re-gift it

others experience as me being harsh
something I feel I work hard to reduce
respond
do not react
react means I am on automatic
and I'm too big or too small or just too wrong in my response
try to remind myself to take a deep breathe so I don't over-react.

I have been a warrior
is the aging?
is it the longer view
that makes me think so differently about myself

I would like to say I love the woman I have become.....