Goodbye 2017 and hello 2018

I'm drinking tea because I want my Dad close to me today. But i need coffee. Both bring memories of dad back to me. All of them happy. He made tea at home and we went out for coffee, always in search for a good cup of coffee. Every breakfast place had to have good coffee or we just did not go there. Christ if you can't get the coffee right...we'll go some place else.

Live with intention.
Magic happens when you don't give up, even though you want to.The universe always falls in  love with a stubborn heart.
Turn my presence into power
Go outside often.

my health has declined significantly
I feel like a big blob of nothingness
not fit for human contact

It is desperately difficult for me to say good bye to K and J after a visit. I had the hardest time this last time. I wept and wept. You know those big blubbering nose running kind of sobbing.  Every where ai turned there was a memory from the past few days. What was in the refrigerator, or re-arranging the cupboards content back to what it was, drinking the left over wine all by myself. The place is too quiet and it does not feel cozy and full any more. I feel such crippling loneliness. after every visit I go through some sort of ritual downsizing. I clean out a messy drawer of tidy up the closet. Put it all back in order and spend more time with the cats.

2017 brought me greater comfort with K and got to know J much better.
But not much else. It was a difficult and disappointing year.  The burden of the media attention on sexual assault was both good and bad for me. It was a roller coaster that i sometimes willingly rode and other times just as willingly sat some rides out.  Is it a big watershed moment?  It could be. Time will tell us either what we fear, another backlash or a surprise 2018 mid term election results.

I gave up on some things. I gave up on stressing about a lot of crap at work. I gave up on trying to moderate my eating, or control even small parts of it. I ate food this past year that i have not eaten in 10 years. McDonald's. Ate plenty of dairy when no one was looking. Mac and cheese mostly. Seriously sometimes every day or twice a day.

And wine. Every day some wine. I drink wine every day. Some days I start as early as 3.  Today at 1:42 I have already started.

NEVER GIVE UP
Never give up
No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
Too much energy in your country
Is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart
Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate
Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace
And I say again
Never give up
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up"

- Dalai Lama XIV
http://www.thesmartwitch.com
[Image: The Guardian By Chie Yoshii. Visit this talented artist at: http://www.chieyoshii.com/paintings.html.]

starting over

always starting over.
just start
that is advice I hear
Just start
So I am

Trips home boycott my efforts
I ate
and ate
I ate potato chips- 3 bags mostly by myself.
I ate whatever I wanted
candy cookies cake 

Shondra-why write

I wrote myself into every character. I wrote my own histories. My heartbreaks. My loves. My family and my friends. My victories and my disasters. My life is in every episode. Who I am is in every episode. For me, the show is sort of a diary — I can watch it and know

Who I am is in every episode. For me, the show is sort of a diary — I can watch it and know exactly what was going on in my real life when an episode was written.

Writing 'Grey’s' gave me a way to make sense of my life, to put order to it. To work out problems. To imagine. To grieve and to dream and to rejoice. "
You can read her entire essay here.

because I am him

I do not like, I hate, despise my brother J.
Because I am him, on a smaller scale but I am him.
Even in this moment I try to distinguish myself from him.

I have done that since the day I got made fun of by schoolmates, because he was brother
Bullshit Smitty was his nickname, behind his back
And I was embarrassed and got defensive


It is not inaccurate.

He told tall tales.
Like he rode a motorcycle across Europe
He worked intelligence during his army stint
His assignment? John Lennon
He never left Fort Dix
The army didn't put a gun in his hand and send him to Nam
They knew better