sounds from my youth

horses hooves ick ack ick ack
my father clearing his throat
teaspoon clank on tea cup
fire wood crackles
striking matches scrape and pop
squeaking boots on hard packed snow
water boiling till the pan shakes on the burner
cat purring in my ear
tree leaves rustling
mom talking on the phone
window being opened and shut
electric beaters against glass bowl
bells ringing at mass
air raid siren
mimeograph drum whirl whirl whirl
the shifting gears of a bread truck
bicycle wheel whirrrrr
back door screen slam
running water in bath tub

Changes

It has been three weeks since my shoulder surgery. Doing pretty well the sling is so annoying and frustrates every second every day which causes stress that hurts no fun at all. It has slowed me down for sure and the mere fact that I'm using my non-dominant hand for most everything I really think is difficult For my brain. So when I say it Has slowed the down it's Made me hesitant. About the only thing that can calm me down Is smoking pot, It makes The situation Tolerable. Oh my God this talk to text is making me crazy I try to speak distinctly and slowly and I still get some type's TYPOS.

It has also brought me closer to Kate  there's no denying that..she spent 10 days with me starting the day before surgery went home and then came back and spent another three days with me this past weekend. Jane came with her both times, Giving me an opportunity to get to know Jane better, and for us to get closer. I really think the world of Jane, she's a remarkable young woman.

I still worry a great deal about Kate and must keep reminding myself that there have been significant changes in her personality over the last years, positive changes. She has matured. And there have been many achievements such as she has quit smoking and sh e and Jane have purchased a home. I am very proud of her and there have been significant achievements In her career as well.

I also think that Kate is breaking through some of her PTSD. She decided, just this week, to seek medication and counseling for her mental health. That's so hard for all of us, but I think that this time she will follow through.

Her recent constant presence in my life, has made it crystal clear to me, how much time I spend alone. After her departures the house seemed incredibly hollow and I missed them very much, so reentry is difficult.

I'm following all the rules for the shoulder surgery follow-up, now I refocus On work. Saying I'm behind Is an understatement. And I also have to focus on Figuring out how to pay off fine Renew a drivers license before the end of October. All of that is Looming over my Head.

sigh

Soldier shoulder

I had rotator cuff surgery on my shoulder last week. And my daughter came was here for many days to take care of me.I miss her so we were having a really good time this is--we really were. My place felt empty and lonely without her the minute she left.

In a lot of trouble with this talk to text

What a mess

It's true. Life is a mess. Happiness alludes me. Daily shame, fear, tears, guilt, serve as my shield against the world.
Physical pain.  My left knee, left hip, right shoulder, mastectomy scar and now my right hand all hurt and impacts my mobility negatively. Stairs one at time, or find another way all together.
It feels like a subconscious suicide.

almost may

hellacious cold. one whole month. feels like i will never have health. I was in bed for more than a week. could not move. coughed. coughed. coughed. and i blew my nose raw. one whole month.  Playing catch up at work and in rehearsals and house work cleaning shopping errands.

coffe shop morning

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]

I don't have words for my fears
for my ptsd
for how i feel a certain friend is treating me
it is as if these questions are shutting me down making me sad
i feel i am losing my ability to articulate

2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]

I need to say I am feeling better physically. My sugars are more controlled and in the safer range. I need to say I am doing this. I am going to keep doing this . I need to say I went to the gym three times last week and will do the same this week. I need to say that I believe in myself. I believe in myself.
but really i do not believe in myself

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]

I swallow guilt and shame every day. It is a tyranny to my everyday abilty to thrive.I am my own tyrant

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

People will stop loving me.
I will die lonely
I will die without the respect of others
I will lose connection to the people who love me

May 31 2016

I have two shells and I'm trying to reverse them from where they've always lived in my body or on my body Maybe I've changed the outer shell and now feels like one of those paper flowers disk flowers there I can't remember what they're called it really popular when I was a kid and they're very frail and you can see through them and they're white and they're a little rough there not completely smooth but in places they are very smooth that's the outer shell but inside inside I have this iron coded Center that is Unbreakable Things people used to yell at me that I now believe from my dad I think the problem is that you are like your mother very much like your mother. From my daughter you're going to die a lonely old woman It's an American belief that transformation is just around the next corner. Maybe a new place to live a new job a new car or for those less about possessions maybe yoga maybe wellbutrin meditation pot gardening veganism Ppl seem frail precious brittle want risk free lives and safety all the time. I fucking resent it. Safety?