not sure anything will ever feel new to me. im at an age when everything reminds me of something else. nothing new. i can finish sentences for many movie characters in variously very predictible plots and the same old story over and over.
thoughts of new years make me think of my dad. he loved new years. always celebrated it with happiness.
11/23/2020
Where did the year go?
Quit my job of 13 years. Returned to a job I left
Took new jib
Hated it
COVID 19
Salary cut 50%
Quit job in middle of COVID pandemic
Unemployment and SSA
Lorna dies
I return to Buffalo
Mama is in her new crib. I have moved me out of my daughter and daughter in law's home. Out of the spare bedroom and into my own place. Out of South Buffalo and into the lower west side on Rhode Island near Fargo. It is located behind a pie shop. Sweet and savory pies and kick ass coffee. I have a backyard to share. And my own driveway.
Morning
First pee
Coffee/Tea first
Advil for lower back pain Scatica
Ice lower back for twenty minutes while drinking coffee and waiting for Advil to kick in
morning medicines pills for dead thyroid, high blood pressure and hypertension, depression anxiety for PTSD. Metformin for diabetes. Smoke pot if I have it.
CQ10, Vit D and Fish Oil supplements
Glasses, Hearing aids and one breast prosthetic
Evening
Take off hearing aids, glasses and breast
Evening medicines white wine, insulin and metformin
smoke pot if I've got it
CPAP machine for sleep apnea
and now
and now I have had a stroke
last week weds oct 7 I had a stroke
I was with family
I wasn't alone
Went to the hospital in an ambulance
got poke, stuck with needles and wires and stints pinched and new meds
and I am alive without any damage
no paralysis
no speech issues
more medicine
I take a lot of medicine
just like my mother she was always taking pills
she was a drinker I prefer wine or pot
now I take a statin and a blood thinner and a baby aspirin every day
and I wonder what is next for me
Cut and paste from inter webs:
Everyday challenges and stresses may not provoke an existential crisis. This type of crisis is likely to follow deep despair or a significant event, such as a major trauma or a major loss. A few causes of an existential crisis may include:
I was there I saw it and I heard it
Someone else says
No that's not what happened
I was there too
I saw it and I heard it
And besides you were in the kitchen, you don't know
And this was before you were born
All I know is no one was paying attention
for all the bravado of memory arguments
had at our dinner table
All of what was said was or is true
If I say it. It is true.
Between each other we remember
experiences events moments scenes
commonly shared with each other
differently from each other
Memory's Influence-er is time.
Adding new memories every day over time.
Years go by
Until there are so many years
Memory is out to lunch more often than it sits at the table
a reliable dinner companion to our whims
Remembering becomes an occasion for frustration and letting go
There are a few memories"frozen in time" which for me means ..
...whenever I remember that moment, I always remember it exactly the same
it has never evolved or edited itself or come to me in new colors
frame by frame same every time
It was long journey to gain an understanding of frozen in time.
How many minutes?
It's about 80,740 minutes one breath at a time.
New
Deeply familiar and oddly unfamiliar.
Old, people are very old now
And the young ones are younger now because I am older.
Time can fold
Death hangs around every day
In the comfort of a house she built
She plays dead.
I go to work with a ghost.
She walks in with me. She walks out with me.
In between she sits in my office and mostly pouts.
Her presence is vibrant and silent and bright.
Queerly silent for someone known for being outspoken.
Are we obligated or required to fill the void?
Difficult when one feels empty.
How do we not disappoint?
Oh you think I'm talking about her?
No. I'm taking about all the hundreds and hundreds of people who love her.
For real loved her. Like you love the tallest tree in the forest.
In sis' absence that love becomes a legacy.
