Living with the feelings

A definition of the word organic is, pertaining to or coming from living things.

It is my goal to build my life from living things. Living, meaning to be alive, to have feelings.

Medication free means I have organic feelings, and at age 55 I continue to learn how to live with my feelings. The purpose of living with feelings, is to have time to mull them over, examine what they mean, ask myself what is it my body is trying to tell me.

What are my hands saying to me? I have eczema, and or dermatitis depending on which of the three dermatologists you ask that I have seen. Currently I am getting laser light therapy for it, twice a week, since December 2007.

Three dermatologists, and acupuncturist, Chinese herbal medicine, allergy tests, elimination diets, inter-net research, several topical prescription ointments, and vitamin supplements.

The problem started four years ago, my hands so terribly dry, they crack and bleed along fold lines in my palms. The palms itch. I scratch till I rip skin. It is horrible, and on occasion the severity of the pain/itch reduces me to a puddle desperate for relief. I wear white dermatological gloves to protect my hands and prevent constant picking and scratching. Pain sometimes comes to my hands and runs up my arms, making them stiff, and difficult to manipulate. Motrin helps when pain attacks come.

I have read that back in the day, people with this condition were institutionalized in mental institutions. I understand, and am grateful for the laser light therapy and the white cotton gloves.

I have decided that by learning to live with my feelings is an approach to helping heal my poor hands.

SAM E

 

Today I want to acknowledge all that I have done in the last year or so to improve my health. This list is shorter than I list of things I SHOULD be doing, but it is a start. I now drink water. I drink water all day long, or unsweetened ice tea. The last diet pepsi and or Splenda I had was in February. Considering I was a 3 liter a day diet pepsi drinker, and used Splenda in coffee, ice tea, cereal, water with lime, everything really, that is a major change. I also take my medications as prescribed. And I have cut back on the pot smoking. There is an exercise bike in the living room, and yes I have ridden a few times. I have signed up for tai chi classes which start in September. Most of the food I eat now is organic, especially all the dairy products are organic. And white bread/rice is gone from my diet as well. My long tern goal is to be healthier, and no longer in need of many of the medications I now take. yesterday I started taking SAMe for depression and anxiety.

Now the whole time I am working on all this I am mindful of how class, image, self esteem, and identity play into my long term previous attempts and ultimate failures in changing how I live day to day. But now I ask myself, if not now then when? When will it be too late and I am a goner, or unable to work, no longer living paycheck to paycheck, but hey I am independent paycheck to paycheck.

If not now then when will I forgive myself for past Transgressions all but forgotten by the human race except myself?