Food writer

I am taking my diabetes med. I have a history of doing it and not doing it. Right now I am doing it.  Today I start the practice of writing down everything I eat.  This feels like a burden, a pain in the ass, something I shouldn't have to do. It is a sign I am not normal. Normal people eat. Abnormal people eat and then have to write it down so they don't eat too much. 

Another way to look at this could be

I want awareness and with pleasure for what I am eating.  I will become a food writer, and write about food. I want to stop eating to calm down or to go to sleep, or to feel differently. I want to be aware that I am eating, and what and when. I am writing it all down, every day as a method to help make food choices conscious. This is a positive step for me. This is a good way for me to take care of myself. To be kinder to myself. 

It is a new year, again

This is my view and the temp is 2 (as in two) degrees. And 3-5 inches more snow is expected. Brrrrrr! 

I start tonight. I hold out little hope for success. I think the stats are less than 10% of people who loose weight keep it off. My life so far is proof of that. I have lost weight many times, only to gain it back. And now at  my age and injecting insulin it is very hard to loose weight. Although not my all time high, I now weigh 261. I have been as high as 286, I cannot remember when this was, but I remember the number. I have metabolic syndrome. A cluster of conditions. 

Diabetes

Hypertension

High Cholesterol

And the weight now centers around my waist, which is the worst. That has changed. My belly is enormous now, of santa status really. I worry about health and money, health and money. I feel I live on the edge of a cliff. And any unforeseen change in my life would make it all crash down. I  might actually be attracted to his feeling. I might be repeating/recreating what I know.  Maybe that is what we are. What happens to us as kids shapes what we think, and we fly from the nest with these perceptions, and that is what we see. New information cannot find its way in because we do not see/hear it. What we already believe to be true shapes what we see. So I believe from my original family that I was not of much value to them. I was not important. So that is how I feel in the world. Not important. Not loved. But I know I am loved by my friends and my daughter. But I cannot seem to feel that upfront in my life, keep it present in my mind, make it the engine that drives me every day. People love me and care for me. 

So I start a new program tonight. Will I do what I am to do to get the weight off?  I always see it as a failure of mine that I am fat. I buy into all the cliches about fat people. Lazy and stupid. I believe my life will be unfulfilled if I stay fat. I hold myself back. I'll never earn enough money fat. I hold myself back. Tonight I take steps forward. I signed up for MFit Weight Management Program, twelve months of support. Tonight is the introduction class.  And I have embarrassing assessments next week for nutrition, exercise and lifestyle. Strangers seeing how much I weigh, measuring the girth of my belly, asking me intimate questions, and how do I know these people even know what the hell they are doing? 

What is my lifestyle? I get up eat and take my pills, go to work, eat, work some more, eat, come home, eat again, play on computer, play with Crash, eat, read, sleep. On weekends I got to movies and eat popcorn, or plays, eat, rent movies, watch movies, eat, sleep. 

So I wish me luck, and steadfast commitment to this new year and another attempt to loose weight and be healthy. I am supposed to be like Sisyphus. Just be happy pushing the rock up the mountain every day. Knowing full well it will fall down, as it always does, as it must, and tomorrow I will be pushing it backup the mountain again.