what I am looking for

when I was a little girl I loved being outside .. the majority of my time was spent out of doors by myself moving among the trees and around the creek...and I loved it..i am there again..i am outside again drinking in the trees and blue sky and bark and earth and sun and air... yesterday was a kind of perfect day..i left work early and spent the afternoon with myself making the perfect pot of hot and sour soup...then Maggie came and got meme and my "picnic bag" and we left for our Friday night date..the drive out to the river was relaxing and sweet and we sat by the river last night just the two of us listening to and watching the water move over the rocks. It was peaceful and rejuvenating. and it was enough just as the moment was...watching the sun set, listening to the sound of the water and just being present for each other....and I have found home in Maggie...so much of being with her reminds me of home

Bringing my femme back

It started with beaded bracelets. Well it started with Maggie and her first kiss. A tender memory maker kiss, warm and welcoming. I painted my toenails red, then I started buying bracelets,  rings, earrings, showering twice a day, putting on make-up, buying red lipstick, black lace slips, and black lace thigh highs. I wear makeup and shave my legs. I dress up for work. I bought Emma Rees book The Vagina. I like it. I like it all. I act and feel different. Rediscover and remember what I had not forgotten. Liz is in the house.

I feel like a lesbian again. I feel visible again. Her presence in my life makes that happen. I get to walk and talk with a girlfriend in my circle of experience and we are sexual partners and people know it and I get to experience that visibility. That was lost to me that sense of belonging to something larger than yourself..and I have missed it.

And I keep writing about it...it is a metamorphosis in a way so I am focused on observing the visual cues.

She has a sexual prowess I had not expected. That too is causing change. We talked...she makes it easy to talk about things as she is accepting and understanding...although she mostly listens and when she talks it is with few words but weighty ones...we talked about this and how I am not used to my partner having the upper hand sexually ..that is who I am in my relationships...And she just looked at me and said so deliberately..."really because that has always been mine." Now I am looking for a comfort level .. looking for acceptance of self in this dance ...