Much

The last writing was at a height I had not reached in many years. And now I have had quite a ride that I need to sort through.

Work is stressful. Unfortunately not a place I am attracted to ... I have been avoiding it. Started two new projects.
Seeing Maggie but not happy with the situation.
Had lost 6 pounds .. but eating poorly and eating too much since Saturday now Monday. Have not worked out for two days.
Today Monday and I do not want to go to work.
Cats  are good no matter what is happening they are constant comfort.
Speaking in two weeks at WDD at UMHS

Had an wonderful birthday celebration in Buffalo. All the way perfect. A croning ceremony at Cyd's that was just what I wanted and needed. It was very special. I gave Kate my silver bear. I got that bear at Michigan and I have worn it for almost 20 years...

Robbie gave me a ticket to hear Hillary Clinton speak at UB. That was so exciting. Then bitch at Ninth Ward. She sang "Stayin Alive" to me for my birthday. Ha ha!  Trish and Sarah and Carmen and me at Hotel Lafayette. That was some kind of perfect. Dad felt very close. Then this perfect bday party at TheaterLoft. Kate and Erin gave me the best bday party ever. Full of memories for ever close. Zoe sang for me. People told stories.. Beautiful drag queens and handsome butches. This is what Ron wrote....Last night I watched what I’m pretty sure were mainly {Men Who Love Men} dressed as women performing stripteases for an audience consisting mainly of {Women Who Love Women}, some of whom were dressed as men. And it was one of the most glorious, and in a slightly bizarre way, one of the most patriotic things I have ever witnessed. THIS is surely part of what Whitman had in mind when he wrote that he heard America singing.

 

I agree. The fantasy room of my youth. A room full of different. No two the same. A room so familiar and so far away from my current neighborhood of university lesbians. Only a few dykes. I prefer hangin with dykes.  Will send thank you notes to my buffalo possey. It was a great time for me that I was very present for. Trish and Sarah and Kate and Erin and Terence and Carmen were so wonderful, and made me feel very loved.

 

Then I came home to Ann Arbor and it was all good here too. Work was good. Maggie has been present at a minimum level of involvement. Very unsatisfying to me..she is giving her minimum some sort of protective action on her part..no longer romantic.. Makes me sad and afraid. Familiar and unhealthy negative feelings of self. Definite ptsd trigger...

 

Friday was a birthday party cocktail hour in Ann Arbor with my A2 queers. It was a blast. Everybody came. We went to the BAR. It was very much like an old Buffalo bar. Couldn't believe it. Reminded me of schuper house. I seem to have created a mini lesbian colony for myself full of working class and creative dykes. At last..

 

So now how do I move forward into my sixties. Seems odd to be this old. .and alone. I still feel alone and spend too much time by myself. That I would like to change or somehow become more comfortable with. Might help me let go of Maggie. I'm afraid of being alone.