episode 661

I am in the middle of an episode, a ptsd episode. I have had too many emotions in too short a period of time. The visit of Kate, Erin and Tee, the show, visit ends and meeting with Maggie.  It all came together and threw me down. I wrote a brave and pre-mature text to Trish saying "I am better she is not worthy of me" and the next day I was crashing. The meeting has become surreal to me as a memory. So unfamiliar and non emotional. I was all business. Nothing personal and she was the same. All too much emotion.  I wanted to change my mood so I have been smoking and eating. But I have come to the end of it now and am getting back to presence...but with a little less pain. Number 661 is an arbitrary number I am sure it is in the thousands...but 661 is one episode a month for 55 years. My physical pain has increased too. My shoulders, both sides are painful to lay on and my right shoulder has shooting pain and weakness. Pain in my left hip has returned. The toll on my physical and emotional well being is significant. I think about that a lot and what I can do to counter that with healing. That is why I am in therapy, to heal myself. I need to be compassionate to my self and go back to eating healthy and exercising every day and I will feel better. Get strong again and stay strong longer.

Therapist number ? Let me count them starting with Myron, Paul, Danny, Gerry, Tom, the woman who's name I never remember, Sharon, Alice, the emdr specialist, and the woman in Baltimore Alice Miller, Susie and now Dalton. 11. Alice had the greatest positive impact and Susie helped me too. Each one did....Danny I think was able to break through great big brick walls that I had built around me. Alice put me back in my body and then I left Buffalo. I think I could not be present in  my body in Buffalo because it would always feel unsafe.

Every move was because I did not feel safe so I moved. Age 12 I moved to Grier. That is where I began to heal, and I was in the company of girls and it felt so safe. That is the safe I want to feel again but now the safe has to be me, myself and I. I can be safe in situations by protecting myself. I was safe in my meeting with Maggie because I kept it all business.

I have created a new sanctuary. the apartment looks brand new as if I moved in place. Change. Something I hope I can continue to embrace.