Looking for comfort because of so much discomfort. Dealing with my anger, of externalizing it. MY work with the new therapist has been good, very good. But it is hard work. It makes me tired and sometimes makes me scared.
Landlady threatening 20% rent increase. An email, she sent me an email. We are in the same house and she chose email. I was insulted. The idea of moving and losing my nest is upsetting. I am quite worried about it.
Work.
Overloaded. Overwhelmed. Exhausted. Overstimulated. Burn out coming I can feel it.
In July I have to buy my car and hold Dingell event. August is michfest. September is Suds.
I know that Maggie issues continue to hurt me deeply. I remain angry hurt and v sad about all of it. No doubt the experience has slowed me down and opened me up.
Being present with the pain is difficult, I would rather disassociate and be gone ... getting smaller and getting better means doing all the work all the time and it is rewarding and exhausting. Nothing tastes as good as healthy feels. getting smaller and feeling physically safe are highly relative.
Feeling very threatened at a basic level because of challenge of losing my home and healing from the rejection. My home is part of my healing so to loose it would be devastating to me.
The therapist is modeling positive affirmations for me. Saying very positive affirming things about me trying to get me to feel that about myself. Has every therapist done that or is it because it is a butch lesbian saying it I am hearing it? .. Allowing and feeling an impact.
It is painful Practicing the experience of presence. But often the feeling of goodness also takes over and I am happier. Staying present with that will help my healing so I am focused there. Gratitude. Presence. Strength. I am safe and nothing bad is going to happen.
I deserve happiness.
Coffee is improved with the sound of crickets...as is presence.
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