as clear as i can be ..

I am letting myself down. My life could be much better. Has been better. I want better again.

Kate will be alright. She is healing. I can see that. It has been a very good Xmas. Having Kate here has been so wonderful. I appreciate that she made the drive to come here. She gave me a beautiful new purse that I will treasure. It's perfect for me.

Mag seems unhappy, tired  and uncommunicative.  She's tense and quietly angry. Makes me uncomfortable and tense. She gave me great Xmas gifts..fitbit and a large Frida Kahlo print that is too big to hang on any wall in this apartment.  It's beautiful but I seem ungrateful because I'm not wowed by it. It's too big. Over the top. Kate loved it. I opened it and thought ... way too big. But then I thought about Mag's thoughtfulness and how she tried to find a gift for me that she thought I would love. Very sweet.  I feel like Peg she always complained about her gifts and my dad tired of shopping for her. I think she felt no one was paying attention to her needs or to who she was. This from a woman shut off by alcohol and pills...how could we know her. She was there but away in her own world of hurt. Like me now.

That hurts me and makes me laugh at the irony of it.


We spent Xmas day with Carmen and Sarah. It was wonderful. Everyone together was love. Just that unconditional love we all need. More of that today. Good for us.

months lost

It is being posted today but I wrote it on December 16. Meaning I have embraced failure for 10 more days.



my life as it was.....The one I worked hard to make..make over. The healthy one. Now I am distracted by Mag. I'm living with someone. With Mag.

It is what I am not doing. I'm not counting calories. I'm  not testing my sugar. I'm not writing down what I eat. And I am not exercising. What I do is eat what I want, I'm binge eating and drinking wine and smoking pot. I'm rebelling.  My sugars are up, I'm forgetful, I'm sleeping, I'm not engaging I'm happily absent having abandoned my new life.

I've put on weight and am having trouble fitting into my clothes. I don't want to go out anywhere. I keep leaving work early.  My work is behind.

I'm afraid. I'm feeling threatened in big ways. I've allowed Mag in. Is that it?

I've been caring for Kate who is now divorced. Poor Kate. She has been put through the ringer and suffered a great loss. But I see her gain ground for herself everyday.

I think I pulled off energy from myself for Kate and Mag at the sacrifice of myself. Or maybe I was missing my old self and anxiety.

Vulnerable. Vulnerability. Difficult if not impossible for me to feel vulnerable. Adults survivors of child sexual abused do not often ever maintain healthy intimate adult relationships. I have had sex partners more than healthy adult intimate relationships.

Now I am trying. To have intimacy on an emotional and physical level...to experience both.

And exit stage left. Fight or flight. All day, every day. Exhausted.