months lost

It is being posted today but I wrote it on December 16. Meaning I have embraced failure for 10 more days.



my life as it was.....The one I worked hard to make..make over. The healthy one. Now I am distracted by Mag. I'm living with someone. With Mag.

It is what I am not doing. I'm not counting calories. I'm  not testing my sugar. I'm not writing down what I eat. And I am not exercising. What I do is eat what I want, I'm binge eating and drinking wine and smoking pot. I'm rebelling.  My sugars are up, I'm forgetful, I'm sleeping, I'm not engaging I'm happily absent having abandoned my new life.

I've put on weight and am having trouble fitting into my clothes. I don't want to go out anywhere. I keep leaving work early.  My work is behind.

I'm afraid. I'm feeling threatened in big ways. I've allowed Mag in. Is that it?

I've been caring for Kate who is now divorced. Poor Kate. She has been put through the ringer and suffered a great loss. But I see her gain ground for herself everyday.

I think I pulled off energy from myself for Kate and Mag at the sacrifice of myself. Or maybe I was missing my old self and anxiety.

Vulnerable. Vulnerability. Difficult if not impossible for me to feel vulnerable. Adults survivors of child sexual abused do not often ever maintain healthy intimate adult relationships. I have had sex partners more than healthy adult intimate relationships.

Now I am trying. To have intimacy on an emotional and physical level...to experience both.

And exit stage left. Fight or flight. All day, every day. Exhausted.