happiness

sad hurts

I'm sad. Sad she is gone and I do miss her. She was kind, a nice person. Terribly insecure. That scared me. I need a partner who is self assured and kind. I need that confidence in self to feel safe with them. That's why I feel safe with certain folks, like Sarah. Complete trust.

I did the right thing for both of us.  I made a good decision. And I was fair to her. She doesn't see the world as a place capable of fair play. She sees Everything as rigged against her. She can't ever win, and its not her fault. But.....I did treat her well and with fairness, but she will not see it that way.

Now I reclaim my physical space this weekend, and get about taking better care of me. Find my way to my habits of persistence awaiting my return to their protection and wisdom. Going to gym is good self care practice. Now I have been isolating for too long. I cannot connect, which makes me feel more alone. I am not alone. I will be out and about with people this weekend and end my isolation and I will make friend dates to do things so I am not isolated..

gone girl

Mag moved in Dec. 2 and I asked her to move out Feb 17. She was gone on Feb 18. She left a mess for me to clean up and I am. Sweeping all the pieces into the dustpan and taking it out to the trash to be carried away.  No more gf's with the name Mag or Maggie or Mary or Margaret. Funny but not.

I do miss her, or miss the person I thought she was and turned out not to be. Swell. I did it again. I do feel relief  that she is gone. We were both pretty unhappy. I think I did us a big favor, sooner rather than later. It was never going to work. That was clear. She was dishonest, and once I established that she was more than an embellish-er, every thing she did was suspect. That was no fun. It was difficult to stay cool and calm.

And now I am facing weight gain of 12 ponds, sugars no longer tightly controlled, no exercise at all, and I am in a boot for a stress fracture. Time to get it all together again, and take care of myself. Prioritize self care with with self love.

I am dreaming of michfest. 

No I don't want to. No I don't want to. I am barricaded. Closed. Over with one simple word.
You can't make me if I don't want to, I don't have to.  No. The person who says no has all the power.  No. No. No. Make it  stop. It stopped.

Margaret Fahning (mf)
Inappropriate. Narrow. Jealous.
1983 was the last time we spoke, when I still believed she cared for me like a daughter. Maybe Don was done with the Smiths and their problems. Maybe she was in love with dad. I thought she was trustworthy. She wasn't. I just needed her to be, so I made her so. I made myself a mom and ran to her with my problems.

Ignored my mother. Rejected her. Hurt her.  Lost the opportunity of really knowing my mom.

Missing what was. Protecting myself. I held back parts of me. The me vs me part. I gave her the imaginary Margaret. She was more lovable than real Margaret.
But MF was telling me family secrets I was never meant to know. So she made secrets a legitimate form of coping. I kept my secrets forever secret.  That's where I learned that.
MF helped me recreate my mother into a monster undeserving of my love and trust.

And then without any explanation she stopped talking to me. Cut the connection. Severed. Mom one and mom two failures. A failure of trust.

In hindsight we see. My mom was a remarkable woman and my dad was right, I am like my mother. I respect who she was and I am glad I could make her laugh.

My mother loved me. Peg was angry at a world that failed her. To spite that, she went her own way. Married a labor leader 11 years older than her. Had sex and abortion before marriage. Radical for a girl in the 1930s. She learned to drive,sarted farm life, had her 4th child and founded Altar and Rosary Society at St Bs, all in her 30s. She spoke against my marriage. Told me true and right. She worried about me. She loved me and hung in there with me.