learning self

I am learning. I am oddly and suddenly motivated to learn more. Grief and Sorrow are different from guilt and shame. They are all "bad" feelings and prevent an enjoyment of life. Since Lorna died I am feeling Grief and Sorrow more often than my usual double scoop of guilt and shame. I noticed it's absence.

I'm sorry.  I must say that 100 or more times in,,,a day. No that's an exaggeration. That's cliche'. I say I'm sorry to every person I talk to in a day. So however many that brings that's how many times I say it,  sometimes I say to the same person more than once.

Imagine saying I'm sorry to every person you talk to in one day. Why? Why would that be necessary? What could I be doing in this moment that warrants me apologizing to everyone I meet?

THERAPIST SAYS  You have known guilt and shame so long, you are comfortable there. It is what you know. You know how to function there.

BACK TO ME I really cannot think of anything now that I should be ashamed of. I can make a laundry list of things I did in my past or things that were done to me without my consent. I often run the list of sins it in my head like a tally. Drudge up all my old sins. Relive one or two to try and determine the wrongness of it and how to fix it.  I call them sins because they happened when I was a supposed practicing catholic as a young girl. I never confessed these sins when I was practicing.

I loved nuns. I hated lay teachers. I loved nuns because they all wore lace up black leather boots and walked with intention and quickly. I still do that, walk with intention and quickly. I had nice nuns. Well the mother superior was a holy terror., otherwise known as the job description. Must be a holy terror.

Learn to be comfortable without feeling guilty or ashamed. As a fat woman that will be a challenge.

Follow your purpose. Follow your heart.

Lorna died. Lorna is gone. It hurts more than expected. In a big way it remains unimaginable, even though I almost never missed a day to be with Lorna. Even ten minutes with Lorna was a ticket to heaven. I can see her, now, in the stage spot light as luminous as ever. One moment lead me to another memory and that memory took me to another one. Reminds the routes of my brain of yet another breath taking, heart stopping moment in her presence. Our relationship was different in that I came to Ujima with the same political knowledge as Lorna. I was the daughter of working class success story as a trade union labor leader.An immigrant he was and had a different view, dare I say minority view of America history than most. I would often get into arguments with my anti union revisionist history.He never taught me the pablum version of American history.

He had stories and details just like Ruby did for Lorna. Just like my dad did for me. We both had a favorite parent and we enjoyed learning more from them, and more expansive and inclusive view than what was taught in school.