learning self

I am learning. I am oddly and suddenly motivated to learn more. Grief and Sorrow are different from guilt and shame. They are all "bad" feelings and prevent an enjoyment of life. Since Lorna died I am feeling Grief and Sorrow more often than my usual double scoop of guilt and shame. I noticed it's absence.

I'm sorry.  I must say that 100 or more times in,,,a day. No that's an exaggeration. That's cliche'. I say I'm sorry to every person I talk to in a day. So however many that brings that's how many times I say it,  sometimes I say to the same person more than once.

Imagine saying I'm sorry to every person you talk to in one day. Why? Why would that be necessary? What could I be doing in this moment that warrants me apologizing to everyone I meet?

THERAPIST SAYS  You have known guilt and shame so long, you are comfortable there. It is what you know. You know how to function there.

BACK TO ME I really cannot think of anything now that I should be ashamed of. I can make a laundry list of things I did in my past or things that were done to me without my consent. I often run the list of sins it in my head like a tally. Drudge up all my old sins. Relive one or two to try and determine the wrongness of it and how to fix it.  I call them sins because they happened when I was a supposed practicing catholic as a young girl. I never confessed these sins when I was practicing.

I loved nuns. I hated lay teachers. I loved nuns because they all wore lace up black leather boots and walked with intention and quickly. I still do that, walk with intention and quickly. I had nice nuns. Well the mother superior was a holy terror., otherwise known as the job description. Must be a holy terror.

Learn to be comfortable without feeling guilty or ashamed. As a fat woman that will be a challenge.