coffe shop morning

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]

I don't have words for my fears
for my ptsd
for how i feel a certain friend is treating me
it is as if these questions are shutting me down making me sad
i feel i am losing my ability to articulate

2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]

I need to say I am feeling better physically. My sugars are more controlled and in the safer range. I need to say I am doing this. I am going to keep doing this . I need to say I went to the gym three times last week and will do the same this week. I need to say that I believe in myself. I believe in myself.
but really i do not believe in myself

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]

I swallow guilt and shame every day. It is a tyranny to my everyday abilty to thrive.I am my own tyrant

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

People will stop loving me.
I will die lonely
I will die without the respect of others
I will lose connection to the people who love me

May 31 2016

I have two shells and I'm trying to reverse them from where they've always lived in my body or on my body Maybe I've changed the outer shell and now feels like one of those paper flowers disk flowers there I can't remember what they're called it really popular when I was a kid and they're very frail and you can see through them and they're white and they're a little rough there not completely smooth but in places they are very smooth that's the outer shell but inside inside I have this iron coded Center that is Unbreakable Things people used to yell at me that I now believe from my dad I think the problem is that you are like your mother very much like your mother. From my daughter you're going to die a lonely old woman It's an American belief that transformation is just around the next corner. Maybe a new place to live a new job a new car or for those less about possessions maybe yoga maybe wellbutrin meditation pot gardening veganism Ppl seem frail precious brittle want risk free lives and safety all the time. I fucking resent it. Safety?

mom

Not every person I meet is going to be mean to me, or disappoint me by not doing their job. Not every person thinks the worst of me as I do myself.  Often I am defending myself, or I am on guard or alert as if the at any minute someone is going to attack me or hurt me or ridicule me or frighten me. I do not need to assume the worst. Always. I can give the benefit of the doubt. I can stop making everyone my mom or my brother. I can inquire. I can research. I can pause and have a different response. My bullshit detector is good enough that I will be able to easily and swiftly separate the good from the bad. The safe from the dangerous.

I will continue to learn and grow and evolve into the change I wish to see.

and again

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]

I don't have words for my feelings of inadequacy at work. 

2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]

I need to say I am feeling better physically. My sugars are more controlled and in the safer range. I need to say I am doing this. I am going to keep doing this . I need to say I went to the gym three times last week and will do the same this week. I need to say that I believe in myself. I believe in myself.

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]

I swallow guilt and shame every day. It is a tyranny to my everyday abilty to thrive.

4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

People will stop loving me.

questions

From Audre Lorde

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
I do not have words for the relationship with my oldest brother. I do not have word for push pull between where I once lived and where I know live. I do not have words for my values or principles.
  
2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
I love my daughter
I fear for her health and self care and therefor her future
My choices for partners are failures
I try every day to be a good person to understand myself and the people I work/live with
I am lonely

I need to say that I no longer have community, feminist community. Part of what made my life possible was the women's movement which gave me feelings of empowerment, and then the gay movement which did the same at an even deeper level. Both worlds feel not as familiar and both seem out of reach for me now.

3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after.
Fear of old age of sickness of not being able to care for myself
The scenes in my head of former abuse that play in  my head everyday
my fear of being abused again

 4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.)

People will not love or respect me.

steps forward

I renewed my gym membership which I had allowed to lapse. My goal is to get there 3 x a week. I have been once so far. My wellness, my fitness is poor. It was very revealing to me to really know how far I have fallen.  Wow. But I know how to do this. I know how to slowly build my fitness back up to where it was or maybe beyond.

I have also returned to work, and left the cocoon I was hiding in since the holidays.  There is an energy being around people. Sometimes I shy from it, but mostly I am energized by the connection and presence of others.

Was home last weekend and I wish I could just make up my damn mind about where I want to be. Here or there. I think there might be a part of me that likes having an escape route, each to the other. Maybe it is what I need.

From Lynn Breedlove
your mission should you choose to accept it today is:
1. say/do one positive thing.
2. even if it could use improvement.
3. encourage your people.
4. be good enough.
5. let something enrich your life.
6. lift someone up.
7. applaud someone without reservation.
8. avoid the alluring implication that you are morally superior.
9. that you are beyond reproach.
10. that you deserve/don't deserve more.
11. hope.
12. commit.
13. with every no, bring in three possibilities for which you will fight.

And for me this is next to work on.

THE AUDRE LORDE QUESTIONNAIRE TO ONESELF

oaluz:

1. What are the words you do not have yet? [Or, “for what do you not have words, yet?”]
2. What do you need to say? [List as many things as necessary]
3. What are the tyrannies you swallow day by day and attempt to make your own, until you will sicken and die of them, still in silence?  [List as many as necessary today. Then write a new list tomorrow. And the day after. ]
4. If we have been socialized to respect fear more than our own need for language, ask yourself: “What’s the worst that could happen to me if I tell this truth?” [So, answer this today. And everyday.]

one more day

sunday

work last week was very much work light.
not this week
this week all staff will have returned.

social security office
I am going to make an appointment and see what my options are.