Every whim..

I have been indulging my every whim. I have been eating potato chips, corn chips, beef burritos, macaroni salad, pulled pork, baked beans, walnut cake, hot dogs, ice cream, hot fudge sundae, french fries, hamburgers and cookies. Yesterday it was more of the same. Macaroni salad again, a pound of it in one sitting. 12 dumplings. carrots, celery and veggie dip.  two steak and cheese LC sandwich. almonds. cheese. It numbs me. It kills me too. It kills feelings, fear, anxiety, the voice in my head that is my critical parent, the relentless one. Pot smoking helps too. I sleep so well when I am smoking pot. And I eat everything in site sleep smoke eat sleep smoke eat sleep-and so on and so it goes and nothing ever changes, not really. Talk therapy, ten years of pills, EMDR, diet pills, liquid diets, weight watchers, gym memberships, workshops, ten years of theatre, marathon movie watching, self help books, and more self help books, yoga, tai chi, massage therapy. All tried. All temporary changes. Still fat, scared, angry, stuck...and now older and focused on death and or escape. I am still trying to escape out my bedroom window. Lock the bedroom door. It took mom a good five minutes to get it open, I took out the window screen and climbed out the window directly to the ground behind the shrubs, jump over and running away again to the woods. She can't catch me. Did you every feel you had to run away from your own mother? 

PTSD is in charge of my every whim. Where IS that book on binge eating from Suzy?

Living with the feelings

A definition of the word organic is, pertaining to or coming from living things.

It is my goal to build my life from living things. Living, meaning to be alive, to have feelings.

Medication free means I have organic feelings, and at age 55 I continue to learn how to live with my feelings. The purpose of living with feelings, is to have time to mull them over, examine what they mean, ask myself what is it my body is trying to tell me.

What are my hands saying to me? I have eczema, and or dermatitis depending on which of the three dermatologists you ask that I have seen. Currently I am getting laser light therapy for it, twice a week, since December 2007.

Three dermatologists, and acupuncturist, Chinese herbal medicine, allergy tests, elimination diets, inter-net research, several topical prescription ointments, and vitamin supplements.

The problem started four years ago, my hands so terribly dry, they crack and bleed along fold lines in my palms. The palms itch. I scratch till I rip skin. It is horrible, and on occasion the severity of the pain/itch reduces me to a puddle desperate for relief. I wear white dermatological gloves to protect my hands and prevent constant picking and scratching. Pain sometimes comes to my hands and runs up my arms, making them stiff, and difficult to manipulate. Motrin helps when pain attacks come.

I have read that back in the day, people with this condition were institutionalized in mental institutions. I understand, and am grateful for the laser light therapy and the white cotton gloves.

I have decided that by learning to live with my feelings is an approach to helping heal my poor hands.

SAM E

 

Today I want to acknowledge all that I have done in the last year or so to improve my health. This list is shorter than I list of things I SHOULD be doing, but it is a start. I now drink water. I drink water all day long, or unsweetened ice tea. The last diet pepsi and or Splenda I had was in February. Considering I was a 3 liter a day diet pepsi drinker, and used Splenda in coffee, ice tea, cereal, water with lime, everything really, that is a major change. I also take my medications as prescribed. And I have cut back on the pot smoking. There is an exercise bike in the living room, and yes I have ridden a few times. I have signed up for tai chi classes which start in September. Most of the food I eat now is organic, especially all the dairy products are organic. And white bread/rice is gone from my diet as well. My long tern goal is to be healthier, and no longer in need of many of the medications I now take. yesterday I started taking SAMe for depression and anxiety.

Now the whole time I am working on all this I am mindful of how class, image, self esteem, and identity play into my long term previous attempts and ultimate failures in changing how I live day to day. But now I ask myself, if not now then when? When will it be too late and I am a goner, or unable to work, no longer living paycheck to paycheck, but hey I am independent paycheck to paycheck.

If not now then when will I forgive myself for past Transgressions all but forgotten by the human race except myself?