There is a dilemma this morning.
I misspelled "organic" in Mostly Organic. All these many days of logging in and I never saw it. I saw but didn't see. I saw what I expected to see not what was there. Aye there's the rub!
Why today...today I see it when I have not seen it before? What window in my brain opened? What does this mean? That I didn't use spell check? That I am old and senile and can no longer spell? That I am poorly educated? Need new glasses? That I often don't see the obvious because I am down in the details looking for clues? Do I figure out a way to correct the misspelling or do I just accept that I made a mistake?
Accept it. OrAganic....
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Peggy
It is mother's day, or it was when I started this post. That is a picture of my mother when she was 21. I now see her so differently than I once did. I understand her and respect her in ways I never did when she was alive. But I remember trying, trying so hard to break through her walls and get to her, but I never really did. She was different from many other women of that time..I think she was always trying to fit into a world in which she felt very insecure in many ways despite her large and in charge personality. She fought. She drank. She had strong political opinions, and they were a rebellion from her parents conservative opinions. She lived at a time when the roles for women were very limiting and oppressive. I will never know what her unhappiness was really about, what happened to her as a child or a young woman, she never shared her unhappiness...just her anger. My father would try and tell me that she loved me that she really cared, that she worried about me. I didn't believe him, she had been so cruel so mean and so angry and could be really abusive that is was impossible for me to comprehend that she could be both at the same time. I now can see that she did love her children as best she could. She cared for us the best she could. I still regret that those walls of anger kept us a part. I know now that what she wanted most, like for most of us, is right there within reach but we do not get to it. We lament and regret and wish...like I do now.
never ending
Maybe it is because I am accustomed to feeling ashamed. I have probably written this before, I am sometimes surprised reading old insights forgotten in my old journals..."oh I did know that before. How did I loose it?" It feels as I keep looping back through bad behaviors to relearn again and again what I already know.
I just came of (one day now) a great big old fashioned binge of food and pot. It was a doozey. Smoke 1.5 ounces of pot, have the residual cough and shortness of breath that goes with it, and I ate and ate and ate. I even ate dairy which I have not eaten for more than two years. I ate potato chips my oldest friend and favorite and I drank cosmos, many cosmos...meaning maybe 8 in month. Since I don't drink, usually at all, that was a big increase. I ate fake ice cream, I ate cheese, I ate burgers and fries and more fries, bread with butter, and pot stickers and chicken wings and pizza...another old and good friend. No portion control. Just eat whatever I want whenever I wanted. That is me saying fuck you to the world, telling my mother I will do what I want, no matter she has been dead more than 20 years I still find time to tell her off. And I stopped working out. Completely just stopped. Stopped testing my sugar no need to know I know I am fucking up royal. Even failed to take my insulin a couple of nights I was too stoned to remember.
Now my pants are too tight and I have put on weight. That quick I can feel crappy after feeling so good.
Was it just the build of loneliness, or Trish's visit or what? What was the trigger? I think the only way I will ever find all the triggers is to stop smoking pot. To ride through the absence of it. Face the feelings that I am trying to numb out and away from.
Yesterday my boss bought me a personal gift. A beautiful scarf. It was a thank you for the party last Friday. It was very nice of Laura. She is a kind person, very kind. I am lucky.
I just came of (one day now) a great big old fashioned binge of food and pot. It was a doozey. Smoke 1.5 ounces of pot, have the residual cough and shortness of breath that goes with it, and I ate and ate and ate. I even ate dairy which I have not eaten for more than two years. I ate potato chips my oldest friend and favorite and I drank cosmos, many cosmos...meaning maybe 8 in month. Since I don't drink, usually at all, that was a big increase. I ate fake ice cream, I ate cheese, I ate burgers and fries and more fries, bread with butter, and pot stickers and chicken wings and pizza...another old and good friend. No portion control. Just eat whatever I want whenever I wanted. That is me saying fuck you to the world, telling my mother I will do what I want, no matter she has been dead more than 20 years I still find time to tell her off. And I stopped working out. Completely just stopped. Stopped testing my sugar no need to know I know I am fucking up royal. Even failed to take my insulin a couple of nights I was too stoned to remember.
Now my pants are too tight and I have put on weight. That quick I can feel crappy after feeling so good.
Was it just the build of loneliness, or Trish's visit or what? What was the trigger? I think the only way I will ever find all the triggers is to stop smoking pot. To ride through the absence of it. Face the feelings that I am trying to numb out and away from.
Yesterday my boss bought me a personal gift. A beautiful scarf. It was a thank you for the party last Friday. It was very nice of Laura. She is a kind person, very kind. I am lucky.
Sunday, May 12, 2013
freedom
I love the early morning when it is dark outside, and inside it is me and the cats and coffee. It feels safe and I feel safe at this time of day. No one can have any expectations of me. I am free. I can do what I want, experience the world the way I want. Dream awake.
I always return to the same place. The fields and woods around the farm on Bayview. I walk those same paths over and over and I can remember every tree and plant and bend in the creek.
I always return to the same place. The fields and woods around the farm on Bayview. I walk those same paths over and over and I can remember every tree and plant and bend in the creek.
If quiet I can actually make myself believe that I am hearing the creek waters move.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
make life a lot easier
Here is a list of 15 things which, if you give up on them, will make your life a lot easier and much, much happier. We hold on to so many things that cause us a great deal of pain, stress and suffering – and instead of letting them all go, instead of allowing ourselves to be stress free and happy – we cling on to them. Not anymore. Starting today we will give up on all those things that no longer serve us, and we will embrace change. Ready? Here we go:
1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?
2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle
5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle
6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.
8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.
9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell
10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer
11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt
12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.
13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.
14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.
.jpg)
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.
1. Give up your need to always be right. There are so many of us who can’t stand the idea of being wrong – wanting to always be right – even at the risk of ending great relationships or causing a great deal of stress and pain, for us and for others. It’s just not worth it. Whenever you feel the ‘urgent’ need to jump into a fight over who is right and who is wrong, ask yourself this question: “Would I rather be right, or would I rather be kind?”Wayne Dyer. What difference will that make? Is your ego really that big?
2. Give up your need for control. Be willing to give up your need to always control everything that happens to you and around you – situations, events, people, etc. Whether they are loved ones, coworkers, or just strangers you meet on the street – just allow them to be. Allow everything and everyone to be just as they are and you will see how much better will that make you feel.
“By letting it go it all gets done. The world is won by those who let it go. But when you try and try. The world is beyond winning.” Lao Tzu
3. Give up on blame. Give up on your need to blame others for what you have or don’t have, for what you feel or don’t feel. Stop giving your powers away and start taking responsibility for your life.
4. Give up your self-defeating self-talk. Oh my. How many people are hurting themselves because of their negative, polluted and repetitive self-defeating mindset? Don’t believe everything that your mind is telling you – especially if it’s negative and self-defeating. You are better than that.
“The mind is a superb instrument if used rightly. Used wrongly, however, it becomes very destructive.” Eckhart Tolle
5. Give up your limiting beliefs about what you can or cannot do, about what is possible or impossible. From now on, you are no longer going to allow your limiting beliefs to keep you stuck in the wrong place. Spread your wings and fly!
“A belief is not an idea held by the mind, it is an idea that holds the mind” Elly Roselle
6. Give up complaining. Give up your constant need to complain about those many, many, maaany things – people, situations, events that make you unhappy, sad and depressed. Nobody can make you unhappy, no situation can make you sad or miserable unless you allow it to. It’s not the situation that triggers those feelings in you, but how you choose to look at it. Never underestimate the power of positive thinking.
7. Give up the luxury of criticism. Give up your need to criticize things, events or people that are different than you. We are all different, yet we are all the same. We all want to be happy, we all want to love and be loved and we all want to be understood. We all want something, and something is wished by us all.
8. Give up your need to impress others. Stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not just to make others like you. It doesn’t work this way. The moment you stop trying so hard to be something that you’re not, the moment you take of all your masks, the moment you accept and embrace the real you, you will find people will be drawn to you, effortlessly.
9. Give up your resistance to change. Change is good. Change will help you move from A to B. Change will help you make improvements in your life and also the lives of those around you. Follow your bliss, embrace change – don’t resist it.
“Follow your bliss and the universe will open doors for you where there were only walls” Joseph Campbell
10. Give up labels. Stop labeling those things, people or events that you don’t understand as being weird or different and try opening your mind, little by little. Minds only work when open. “The highest form of ignorance is when you reject something you don’t know anything about.” Wayne Dyer
11. Give up on your fears. Fear is just an illusion, it doesn’t exist – you created it. It’s all in your mind. Correct the inside and the outside will fall into place.
“The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself.” Franklin D. Roosevelt
12. Give up your excuses. Send them packing and tell them they’re fired. You no longer need them. A lot of times we limit ourselves because of the many excuses we use. Instead of growing and working on improving ourselves and our lives, we get stuck, lying to ourselves, using all kind of excuses – excuses that 99.9% of the time are not even real.
13. Give up the past. I know, I know. It’s hard. Especially when the past looks so much better than the present and the future looks so frightening, but you have to take into consideration the fact that the present moment is all you have and all you will ever have. The past you are now longing for – the past that you are now dreaming about – was ignored by you when it was present. Stop deluding yourself. Be present in everything you do and enjoy life. After all life is a journey not a destination. Have a clear vision for the future, prepare yourself, but always be present in the now.
14. Give up attachment. This is a concept that, for most of us is so hard to grasp and I have to tell you that it was for me too, (it still is) but it’s not something impossible. You get better and better at with time and practice. The moment you detach yourself from all things, (and that doesn’t mean you give up your love for them – because love and attachment have nothing to do with one another, attachment comes from a place of fear, while love… well, real love is pure, kind, and self less, where there is love there can’t be fear, and because of that, attachment and love cannot coexist) you become so peaceful, so tolerant, so kind, and so serene. You will get to a place where you will be able to understand all things without even trying. A state beyond words.
.jpg)
15. Give up living your life to other people’s expectations. Way too many people are living a life that is not theirs to live. They live their lives according to what others think is best for them, they live their lives according to what their parents think is best for them, to what their friends, their enemies and their teachers, their government and the media think is best for them. They ignore their inner voice, that inner calling. They are so busy with pleasing everybody, with living up to other people’s expectations, that they lose control over their lives. They forget what makes them happy, what they want, what they need….and eventually they forget about themselves. You have one life – this one right now – you must live it, own it, and especially don’t let other people’s opinions distract you from your path.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
visibility
I love ice tea in a mason jar with a lot of ice, ice cold with fresh lemon. I drink it all day long May through September. I make my own, at home and at work. I quit diet soda back in February, and it is now May. Nice. Tonight talking to Alison we talked about recognition and identity and visibility. Alison suggests that my "take" on A2 should include that there is very little "mirroring" in A2. But in Buffalo, more like the east coast cities, East Coast people are more in your face. Midwest folks are more reserved. I feel invisible because no one is mirroring me. If I ditch the need for recognition, I will have my spirit. My core. That is a tall drink. That means that no matter who is next to me or what environment I am in. I am just me. Tuesday, May 7, 2013
good moment
Yesterday started my new class R.A.C.E. dialogues. There are about a dozen of us. I stayed present, I was quiet and an active listener. I enjoyed being in the room with the group, and one of the facilitators was a woman I met years ago. She was stranded at the gas station and I gave her a ride home. She remembered, and then after some prodding I did too. That was a good moment. I have talked about how I feel a need to explain who I am to folks, because this place is not my original home, this is not a place where my reputation enters the room before I do. But last night for that moment someone in the room knew me as a kind person. Felt good.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)