never ending

Maybe it is because I am accustomed to feeling ashamed. I have probably written this before, I am sometimes surprised reading old insights forgotten in my old journals..."oh I did know that before. How did I loose it?"  It feels as I keep looping back through bad behaviors to relearn again and again what I already know.

I just came of (one day now) a great big old fashioned binge of food and pot. It was a doozey. Smoke 1.5 ounces of pot, have the residual cough and shortness of breath that goes with it, and I ate and ate and ate. I even ate dairy which I have not eaten for more than two years. I ate potato chips my oldest friend and favorite and I drank cosmos, many cosmos...meaning maybe 8 in month. Since I don't drink, usually at all, that was a big increase. I ate fake ice cream, I ate cheese, I ate burgers and fries and more fries, bread with butter, and pot stickers and chicken wings and pizza...another old and good friend. No portion control. Just eat whatever I want whenever I wanted. That is me saying fuck you to the world, telling my mother I will do what I want, no matter she has been dead more than 20 years I still find time to tell her off. And I stopped working out. Completely just stopped. Stopped testing my sugar no need to know I know I am fucking up royal. Even failed to take my insulin a couple of nights I was too stoned to remember.

Now my pants are too tight and I have put on weight. That quick I can feel crappy after feeling so good.

Was it just the build of loneliness, or Trish's visit or what? What was the trigger? I think the only way I will ever find all the triggers is to stop smoking pot. To ride through the absence of it. Face the feelings that I am trying to numb out and away from.

Yesterday my boss bought me a personal gift. A beautiful scarf. It was a thank you for the party last Friday. It was very nice of Laura. She is a kind person, very kind. I am lucky.