old and not healthy

Morning

First pee

Coffee/Tea first

Advil for lower back pain Scatica

Ice lower back for twenty minutes while drinking coffee and waiting for Advil to kick in

morning medicines  pills for dead thyroid, high blood pressure and hypertension, depression anxiety for PTSD. Metformin for diabetes. Smoke pot if I have it.

CQ10, Vit D and Fish Oil supplements

Glasses, Hearing aids and one breast prosthetic 

Evening

Take off hearing aids, glasses and breast

Evening medicines white wine, insulin and metformin

smoke pot if I've got it

CPAP machine for sleep apnea

 and now

and now I have had a stroke

last week weds oct 7 I had a stroke

I was with family

I wasn't alone

Went to the hospital in an ambulance

got poke, stuck with needles and wires and stints pinched and new meds

and I am alive without any damage

no paralysis

no speech issues

more medicine

I take a lot of medicine

just like my mother she was always taking pills

she was a drinker I prefer wine or pot

now I take a statin and a blood thinner and a baby aspirin every day

and I wonder what is next for me

Existential Crisis

Cut and paste from inter webs:

Everyday challenges and stresses may not provoke an existential crisis. This type of crisis is likely to follow deep despair or a significant event, such as a major trauma or a major loss. A few causes of an existential crisis may include:

• guilt about something
• losing a loved one in death, or facing the reality of one’s own death
• feeling socially unfulfilled
• dissatisfaction with self
• history of bottled up emotions

This tells me that I remained unaware of the edge I live on 

remembering a memory

I was there I saw it and I heard it

Someone else says

No that's not what happened

I was there too

I saw it and I heard it

And besides you were in the kitchen, you don't know

And this was before you were born

All I know is no one was paying attention

for all the bravado of memory arguments

had at our dinner table

All of  what was said was or is true

                            If I say it. It is true.

Between each other we remember

experiences events moments scenes 

commonly shared with each other

differently from each other

Memory's Influence-er is time. 

Adding new memories every day over time.

Years go by 

Until there are so many years

Memory is out to lunch more often than it sits at the table 

a reliable dinner companion to our whims

Remembering becomes an occasion for frustration and letting go

There are a few  memories"frozen in time" which for me means .. 

...whenever I remember that moment, I always remember it exactly the same

it has never evolved or edited itself or come to me in new colors

frame by frame same every time

It was long journey to gain an understanding of frozen in time.

End of August

How many minutes? 

It's about 80,740 minutes one breath at a time.

New

Deeply familiar and oddly unfamiliar.

Old, people are very old now

And the young ones are younger now because I am older.

Time can fold

 Death hangs around every day

In the comfort of a house she built

She plays dead.

I go to work with a ghost. 

She walks in with me. She walks out with me.

In between she sits in my office and mostly pouts.

Her presence is vibrant and silent and bright.

Queerly silent for someone known for being outspoken.

Are we obligated or required to fill the void?

Difficult when one feels empty.

How do we not disappoint?

Oh you think I'm talking about her? 

No. I'm taking about all the hundreds and hundreds of people who love her.

For real loved her. Like you love the tallest tree in the forest.

In sis' absence that love becomes a legacy.

everything is fast

everything is fast and I am walking slow.

Change(s)

 At dinner last night Geri suggested that I keep a journal about this change in my life and the company's life. 

Death changes everything. Dorothy Allison

Everything is louder. 

I can tell I am back by the driving habits here.Drivers here do not share the road, they take the road.

August 15 and I am not paying rent to Marlene in Ann Arbor as I have for 13 years. I did not go to eat ann arbor for my Tuesday burger. But I did say goodbye to Jen who always gave me lots of pickles. I am known as a buffalo boomerangs After 13 years of solitude and personal comfort in my own little corner I now find myself in a crowded loud household. Privacy has to be carved out along with visits to see my cat. It is becoming familiar. 8 x 12 four bit room and a porch. 

I feel challenged intellectually. The work is for real, hard. Takes focus and attention. It is new and unknown.  The world is a very scary place right now. People seem to be hunkering down. How do we keep Ujima afloat?

We are in the early hours of one of the greatest tragedies in our countries history.
None of it had to be, but it has happened because Donald Trump is President.We will lose the country if Trump isn’t repudiated. Make no mistake about the intentions of a president who is openly undermining the 231 year old tradition of American elections. 

I fear for everyone's future. I feel threatened, as in physically every day. The sound of his voice haunts me.

learning self

I am learning. I am oddly and suddenly motivated to learn more. Grief and Sorrow are different from guilt and shame. They are all "bad" feelings and prevent an enjoyment of life. Since Lorna died I am feeling Grief and Sorrow more often than my usual double scoop of guilt and shame. I noticed it's absence.

I'm sorry.  I must say that 100 or more times in,,,a day. No that's an exaggeration. That's cliche'. I say I'm sorry to every person I talk to in a day. So however many that brings that's how many times I say it,  sometimes I say to the same person more than once.

Imagine saying I'm sorry to every person you talk to in one day. Why? Why would that be necessary? What could I be doing in this moment that warrants me apologizing to everyone I meet?

THERAPIST SAYS  You have known guilt and shame so long, you are comfortable there. It is what you know. You know how to function there.

BACK TO ME I really cannot think of anything now that I should be ashamed of. I can make a laundry list of things I did in my past or things that were done to me without my consent. I often run the list of sins it in my head like a tally. Drudge up all my old sins. Relive one or two to try and determine the wrongness of it and how to fix it.  I call them sins because they happened when I was a supposed practicing catholic as a young girl. I never confessed these sins when I was practicing.

I loved nuns. I hated lay teachers. I loved nuns because they all wore lace up black leather boots and walked with intention and quickly. I still do that, walk with intention and quickly. I had nice nuns. Well the mother superior was a holy terror., otherwise known as the job description. Must be a holy terror.

Learn to be comfortable without feeling guilty or ashamed. As a fat woman that will be a challenge.