Drunk and stoned on a Thursday night

 Drunk and stoned on a Thursday night. Wish it was the weekend already and I got in through my workday that’s coming up tomorrow Friday.

I’m not doing well. I wake up try to get to the bathroom before I P on myself, can I make coffee while I wait for the coffee I roll a joint then I try to find my stories on Hulu, and then I drink my coffee and smoke my joint while my black cat pays attention to me momentarily. That’s the start of every day now.

I’m not doing well. I wake up try to get to the bathroom before I P on myself, can I make coffee while I wait for the coffee I roll a joint then I try to find my stories on Hulu, and then I drink my coffee and smoke my joint while my black cat pays attention to me momentarily. That’s the start of every day now.

I watch a lotOf television mostly crime shows well and family stories. I watch a lot of British crime stories and British television because there’s less sexualization of women and not every episode starts with a camera shot of a naked bloody woman on the floor as an opening establishment shot. I’m so sick of that.

Of television mostly crime shows well and family stories. I watch a lot of British crime stories and British television because there’s less sexualization of women and not every episode starts with a camera shot of a naked bloody woman on the floor as an opening establishment shot. I’m so sick of that.

Kate seems to be doing better she had a meltdown a couple of weeks ago Jane took the kids to Eric and then she went to her mothers a lot of drama. Kate pushed me away so I stayed away. And actually I had two weeks of quiet and calm and no traumatizing phone calls asking me to save her.No there was most definitely a feeling of relief during that time.

Give me time to think. I had breathing space. It was very nice. I’m trying not to feel guilty about it but it was a relief not to have to deal with Kate’s trauma responses to her life.

I am really having a hard time. I am heavily relying on sugar fat salt marijuana and white wine. I’m not eating healthy I eat cheesecake almost every day. I eat tater tots and waffle fries that I cook in the toaster oven and eat with lots of catch-up. I’ve put on a lot of weight. I don’t feel good. And it seems like I’m taking a slow suicide to death.

almost new year

 not sure anything will ever feel new to me. im at an age when everything reminds me of something else. nothing new. i can finish sentences for many movie characters in variously very predictible plots and the same old story over and over. 

thoughts of new years make me think of my dad. he loved new years. always celebrated it with happiness.

11/23/2020

Where did the year go?

Quit my job of 13 years. Returned to a job I left 

Took new jib

Hated it

COVID 19

Salary cut 50%

Quit job in middle of COVID pandemic

Unemployment and SSA

Lorna dies

I return to Buffalo

Mama is in her new crib. I have moved me out of my daughter and daughter in law's home. Out of the spare bedroom and into my own place. Out of South Buffalo and into the lower west side on Rhode Island near Fargo. It is located behind a pie shop.  Sweet and savory pies and kick ass coffee. I have a backyard to share. And my own driveway.

old and not healthy

Morning

First pee

Coffee/Tea first

Advil for lower back pain Scatica

Ice lower back for twenty minutes while drinking coffee and waiting for Advil to kick in

morning medicines  pills for dead thyroid, high blood pressure and hypertension, depression anxiety for PTSD. Metformin for diabetes. Smoke pot if I have it.

CQ10, Vit D and Fish Oil supplements

Glasses, Hearing aids and one breast prosthetic 

Evening

Take off hearing aids, glasses and breast

Evening medicines white wine, insulin and metformin

smoke pot if I've got it

CPAP machine for sleep apnea

 and now

and now I have had a stroke

last week weds oct 7 I had a stroke

I was with family

I wasn't alone

Went to the hospital in an ambulance

got poke, stuck with needles and wires and stints pinched and new meds

and I am alive without any damage

no paralysis

no speech issues

more medicine

I take a lot of medicine

just like my mother she was always taking pills

she was a drinker I prefer wine or pot

now I take a statin and a blood thinner and a baby aspirin every day

and I wonder what is next for me

Existential Crisis

Cut and paste from inter webs:

Everyday challenges and stresses may not provoke an existential crisis. This type of crisis is likely to follow deep despair or a significant event, such as a major trauma or a major loss. A few causes of an existential crisis may include:

• guilt about something
• losing a loved one in death, or facing the reality of one’s own death
• feeling socially unfulfilled
• dissatisfaction with self
• history of bottled up emotions

This tells me that I remained unaware of the edge I live on 

remembering a memory

I was there I saw it and I heard it

Someone else says

No that's not what happened

I was there too

I saw it and I heard it

And besides you were in the kitchen, you don't know

And this was before you were born

All I know is no one was paying attention

for all the bravado of memory arguments

had at our dinner table

All of  what was said was or is true

                            If I say it. It is true.

Between each other we remember

experiences events moments scenes 

commonly shared with each other

differently from each other

Memory's Influence-er is time. 

Adding new memories every day over time.

Years go by 

Until there are so many years

Memory is out to lunch more often than it sits at the table 

a reliable dinner companion to our whims

Remembering becomes an occasion for frustration and letting go

There are a few  memories"frozen in time" which for me means .. 

...whenever I remember that moment, I always remember it exactly the same

it has never evolved or edited itself or come to me in new colors

frame by frame same every time

It was long journey to gain an understanding of frozen in time.

End of August

How many minutes? 

It's about 80,740 minutes one breath at a time.

New

Deeply familiar and oddly unfamiliar.

Old, people are very old now

And the young ones are younger now because I am older.

Time can fold

 Death hangs around every day

In the comfort of a house she built

She plays dead.

I go to work with a ghost. 

She walks in with me. She walks out with me.

In between she sits in my office and mostly pouts.

Her presence is vibrant and silent and bright.

Queerly silent for someone known for being outspoken.

Are we obligated or required to fill the void?

Difficult when one feels empty.

How do we not disappoint?

Oh you think I'm talking about her? 

No. I'm taking about all the hundreds and hundreds of people who love her.

For real loved her. Like you love the tallest tree in the forest.

In sis' absence that love becomes a legacy.