change

I want change, and changes
I am afraid of both.
Change is one thing you can count on. My dad taught me that.

I get within 2 pounds of being under 200 pounds and what do I do? I fall off the wagon and put back on weight and smoke pot every day wake and bake style for two whole weeks.  For two years I was able to change..until I was working out 6 days a week. Have not gone in two weeks.

What feels good about it? The change of feeling. I don't feel as lonely. I am off the grid which oppresses me and triggers me with bad memories. Every day trauma images in my head. I would give almost anything to make them stop and go away forever. I think sometimes when I fantasize suicide ... it is to escape memory. I say fantasize because I would not commit suicide outright. Slowly kill myself through neglect is familiar. As much as I really liked the new margaret I did not know her.

Every day I can have my friend-a joint-hang with me and make it okay to live with my feelings. Your worst fears are your oldest ones.

No one would love me if they knew.