whats goin on?

2009 zoom ahead to October 2012

Very much different and very much the same. Still at HRWC, six years now. I believe outside of Ujima and or HAG that is my longest stay at a job. I have not been in talk therapy for four years now. Another new record.  My learning curve has been steep. For a year now, I have been involved with a meditation group, a once a week meeting that I enjoy and is of benefit. Asa died. Kate married Erin. Garland and Nancy have two little girls and are married. Sarah and George remain a couple. Carmen is in NYC, Robbie and Lorna both had cancer. I lost 70 pounds, lowered my bp, cholesterol, visit my doc every month, work out at rec center, have a personal trainer, take wellbrutin now for two years. I no longer take short acting/corrective insulin, and I take less than half of what I was taking of lantus/long acting insulin. Most helpful were the workshop classes that I took -three times- with Marilyn Migliore's  and her Hunger Within Workshop.

It would appear that I have found compassion for my self. Maybe it is that the boogieman died. Never ever to return. I do believe that there is relief there for parts of myself that have remained afraid all these years right along and next to my forgiveness of and fondness for that same boogieman. The brother that I miss. Someday the universe willin-I will be older then him. If I live to be 66. I will have grown older, than my oldest brother. It is safe now to be angry towards him. I can't hurt him by hating him or being angry at him. Nothing to loose that I haven't already learned to live without.

I still doubt my self. I second guess. I mourn. I live in memory of past traumas.



Living in memory...