Thank you. Laura B wrote that on her fb post so I am quoting. But it is perfect for what I am experiencing now and feeling. I have found my anger on the subject and I am expressing it by completely cleaning dusting and painting my entire home environment. My version of a complete purging and acceptance of the next phase of my life. .. and good bye to Maggie. A wake and a funeral with one in attendance, me. My body hurts from head to toe and I look to returning to my regular routine of swimming and working out. This physical work is stressing my body...moving pushing lifting climbing ladders is a lot even in small doses.
I sprinkled florida water yesterday after I got it cleared out and ready I swept and swept and I splashed every corner ...and I am getting rid of stuff....a couch and hideabed and Maggie...clothes books papers microwave rug and chuck's chair. I finally let go of a chair I can afford to keep. Less and less I need the objects to remember my past so I am getting rid of my mother's china...sounds terrible..it does not hold good memories of mom for me...she was always stressed when we used this china....meant holidays and stress for her...
Once the painting is done and I start bringing articles and items back into my living space...the criteria will be do I need it? Less is more. And I can get new if I want to let go of what you want to let go of...I have found my anger and she is motivating me into an agent of change. That is what we do in my family. My dad lived that life .. agent of change as a union organizer. My mother as a church organizer.,,she took a small Parrish meeting in a fire hall to a k-8 school, convent, rectory and church.
Both created safe space for people to survive in. As have I. With Ujima and HAG I created safe space for people to experience freedom in...to be creative and expressive and free..
I have participated as an activist in the women's rights movement, specifically single moms, victims sexual assault, child care, AIDS, queer rights, artistic freedom of expression, and now working in the environment, a return to my father's love of Rachel Carson...and the 18 mile reek of my childhood. So I am bringing that with me. My red jacket and the 18 mile creek can come along wit the surrounding woods. Happy memories there. Duke at my side.
Maggie is not the girl for me. I deserve to be with someone who is accepting, tolerant, open and willing to be present. Maggie although she desires that as well, she fails epically, ...and in the end I was left alone without a goodbye or an explanation or a good well wishes to you...just blank empty air... So I am left to make up an explanation myself. I am trying to find an ending that is compassionate to both of us. Treats as us both well..
Meanwhile I am creating a safe space for me now...as a way of taking care of myself for my future self.
