You can turn off a light, and close a door and walk away. You can write a letter and put it an envelope, seal it and send and it is gone. But you can't do that with your memories.
No matter what I do the bad memories remain. They are a heavy burden that saps my energy and robs me of my joy. I have tried various methods to lighten the load to make it one of a millions parts of who I am. But no. It maintains its own star top billing status. A constant presence lurking, even at the best of times, waiting to exert influence, or alter the scene, or change the mood, or take my confidence or take me away entirely.
I'm sorry what just happened? I missed that, the here and now moment. I was wrestling an old ugly very powerful memory to the ground and trying to push it out of the way to be here with you. I don't always succeed.
Today is a day of wrestling with all that, so I can be present. So I can at least be here for me.
sigh. No wonder I am always tired.
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