i am feeling better. i am feeling better. i am eating healthier and i am working out and it does feel good and i am having fun doing it. taking meds as instructed. self care on the increase.
some bit of hope has returned and crept into my consciousness.
meditation would be helpful.
regret and remorse have been on my mind. prevalent. robbed of so many options because i told myself it wasn't possible for me. it made me feel vulnerable to think of me and big ideas. robbed of joy. robbed of time. ripped off. deprived.
to write the book and tell my story means that i might be victimized again-that's the fear that stops me. . people will reject me, abandon me, judge me negatively...it feels like im just letting myself off the hook by forgiving myself. so i don't forgive myself. i have not yet learned how to not be to be complicit in the crimes that were committed by me is a burden of grief and shame.
it is what makes me cry every morning. it is as if at that moment every day i feel the heft of it across my shoulders and the sheer weight of it makes me cry. every day. for many many years now.
i talked about amanda because i am worried about kate. the first year after amanda died i kept thinking i was going to lose kate. worried about kate she feels distant and unhealthy.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Tuesday, July 7, 2015
learning
July 3 2015
under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.
there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak. and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.
but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.
I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay. how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?
under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.
there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak. and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.
but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.
I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay. how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?
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