better

i am feeling better. i am feeling better. i am eating healthier and i am working out and it does feel good and i am having fun doing it. taking meds as instructed. self care on the increase.

some bit of hope has returned and crept into my consciousness.

meditation would be helpful.

regret and remorse have been on my mind. prevalent. robbed of so many options because i told myself it wasn't possible for me. it made me feel vulnerable to think of me and big ideas. robbed of joy. robbed of time. ripped off. deprived.

to write the book and tell my story means that i might be victimized again-that's the fear that stops me. . people will reject me, abandon me, judge me negatively...it feels like im just letting myself off the hook by forgiving myself. so i don't forgive myself. i have not yet learned how to not be to be complicit in the crimes that were committed by me  is a burden of grief and shame.

it is what makes me cry every morning. it is as if at that moment every day i feel the heft of it across my shoulders and the sheer weight of it makes me cry. every day. for many many years now.

i talked about amanda because i am worried about kate. the first year after amanda died i kept thinking i was going to lose kate.  worried about kate she feels distant and unhealthy.