learning

July 3 2015

under attack by scam credit collectors in May. all energy went to responding and throwing cold water on my ptsd. really threw me down and out with fear, shame and guilt, despite the FACT that it was clearly a scam. everyone could see that. but it didn't feel that way, to me. to me it felt i was under attack and in jeopardy of loosing everything. i think i am coping better than i really am.

there is a recalibration happening too which makes these experiences different than they were in my past. as i allow myself more vulnerable feelings the fear becomes greater. Fear increases not decreases. toughness would make behave and look tougher. vulnerability makes me look weak.  and this is where i am supposed to jump in and say that it take more bravery to be vulnerable than it does to look tough.

but i also learned -again- that my resilience saves me. i do survive, nothing really bad happened and i feel safe again. as safe as i allow myself to feel. aye there the rub...maybe more accurate to say i feel safer than i did in May.

I have learned through some innovative dna testing that what i needed was more folic acid, to make the Welbrutin effective. the chemical chain was broken. i started taking folic acid and have already greatly lowered my Wellbrutin dose.feel better. also feel exhausted. struggling with tiredness. most likely the cortisol that charged me up or made a bear for hard work has fallen away and i find i am exhausted. my main source of atomic energy at bay.  how do I get back energy without living in a constant state of flight or fight?