doc visit

saw doc wyckoff yesterday.  Ive lost seven pounds. my sugars are lower. been going back to gym. havent been since last thursday almost a week. not good.

 but im making progress in the right direction

more relaxed ? am i? now im less stressed. i can feel less stressed and the self talk is all day long. its working. there might be a bit of a difference. maybe being less stressed is a way to get to more relaxed. because ive never felt relaxed. not that i can remember.

i believe it is the result of being on guard for so many years. being alert to every sound in the night. all those years that i listened for the sound of a car in a driveway. waking 20 minutes after falling asleep. listening for creaky sounds in the dark. what was that? is somebody there? is somebody coming ?  freeze. dont move.

there right there. i went from good news to the dark side in a second.

good news. I am doing better.

windmill cookies

those windmill cookies and a cup of tea. heaven on a november day. a free day. no work. just home alone chillin. been cleaning getting ready to decorate. made a new altar new moon in Scorpio for abundance. and then i found windmill cookies at the market.

tea and cookies and cats sittin in open windows on november 15 sun shine steaming in. beautiful day i think my dad felt a cup of tea and some cookies or cake or bread and cheese could cure damn near anything. could help fix what ails you. the fact that we could make a cup of tea and have a treat any time we wanted was a treat for man who had grown up poor and catholic in scotland during ww1.

dad and i often had tea and those windmill cookies as a treat. the tea had milk and sugar and the cookies had cinnamon, cloves, almonds, and nutmeg. medicine in my house. he would tell me the most wonderful stories.

might be able to clean car. it smells funny inside the car.

being a fat women you know that your fat keeps men away from you. makes you physically safe from annoying random unwelcome advances. not the rapists or abusers. it keeps the regular guys looking for regular sex or the guys you compete with at work or for a parking space. they don't bother with you. you're not worth the trouble. it is a relief to a pretty girl. but are you on fat as a self defense against unwanted advances?  

having sexual advances put upon you as a child makes you very weary. .. a child age 5. advanced upon when choice is not an option. before you have the words.  its hard to say no as a child. children are expected to say yes.  be a good girl and say yes when an adult asks you do to something. if asked to do something, do it.

a new question for me. why was my mother so selectively observant and keenly aware to the level of fortune teller or psychic. she knew the exact day i had sex with a boy for the first time. the exact day and location. she did. but she never saw that i was being sexually abused by her oldest son. on a regular basis. was it that you see what you are looking for. she wasnt looking for that in me at age 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 or 12.  no one had ever told her to look inside the house as well as outside.

when you are fat bad things still happen to you. just fewer bad things. and the constant glare is omitted from your daily life. that gives you space.  so now you only have to be alert for the real predators. the abusers, the rapists, the oppressors.

so how to feel safe and not be fat. is it possible for me to do that? yes if i am physically fit, then i feel safer. is that true or it just sounds good? and i want to be perceived as a good person healed, i want  not to be a victim.

the first time i was a victim i was five years old. i weighed 36 pounds, and was 37 inches tall. i could climb trees and get over fences. i could catch poly wogs and fireflies. i could walk to the creek, and the barn and  find my way back by myself.  my dog duke and my older sister betty were my protectors. a car killed duke and betty married and moved out.  their departures left me vulnerable.

and thats when it started. thats when it all started and kept going for more than 50 years. it didnt actually last 50 years it lasted about 9 years ... and then it kept going in my head and could fade away for hours at a time but it would pop back in.and blam its there..as quick as a swallow its in your minds eye..blocking whatever is happening in real time right in front of you..just missing that...but you learn to bring yourself back..snap back..here.. all day that happens all day long.

new moon in scorpio

what triggers memory?

for me its the light. i'll walk outside and i am carried to another time when the weather was the same. i remember a good memory.it pops in. im 17 riding my bike to my waitress job. riding in the dark at 6 a.m. . that magical time of day. betwixt and between light and dark. another 30 mins of dark at the most, wind whipping the crisp air making branches snap and leafs rustle loudly.

 i feel good, safe and free . my liberator is the wind in my hair. breathing deeply pumping my legs up and down on my 3 speed blue and silver Schwinn. i feel physically strong. i loved that bike ride to work. i miss it. it was early. i was going to my job to earn money to take care of my self.  free myself from a house full of hurts. this moment of riding to work in the dark alone is a good one. i was finding a way out.

a rare moment. most days i lived in fear, not knowing when the next hurt was coming.

there was something else too. what was it again? dammit.

the new moon scorpio is full of hope for joy and change. there is potential. i feel it.  

A new moon in Scorpio is raw power. A new moon in Scorpio introduces us to ours. A new moon in Scorpio comes with an air of intensity and asks us what we might put the pedal to the metal for. A new moon in Scorpio strips us down and demands that we claim what we are at the core. This new moon is the beginning of some much-deserved access to abundance. This new moon is the beginning of seeing what you can and have done with the trials and tribulations of the past few years. This new moon I urge you to do ritual around ease, effortlessness and all parts of your life that are naturally free-flowing.This week, before, during and after the new moon are also particularly potent times as you become the conduit for much of the astrology to flow through. This week focuses on healing subterranean traumas, but this time somewhat effortlessly. Like when you work on an issue for 30 years and one day you realize it simply doesn’t have the same hold on you that it used to.

This behind the scenes bargaining is important for you to be engaged with. Your inner hecklers and internalized oppressors could be taunting you, dissuading you and confusing the issues but tell yourself that you have it on good faith that this is your time to begin anew with courage, with optimism and with good sense. It’s also the perfect time to keep working away at what you’ve got cooking behind the scenes. This particular mix of energies requires that your success comes from being willing to balance going within and taking action.

Your efforts now will take root and they will rise. chani nicholas