tea and cookies and cats sittin in open windows on november 15 sun shine steaming in. beautiful day i think my dad felt a cup of tea and some cookies or cake or bread and cheese could cure damn near anything. could help fix what ails you. the fact that we could make a cup of tea and have a treat any time we wanted was a treat for man who had grown up poor and catholic in scotland during ww1.
dad and i often had tea and those windmill cookies as a treat. the tea had milk and sugar and the cookies had cinnamon, cloves, almonds, and nutmeg. medicine in my house. he would tell me the most wonderful stories.
might be able to clean car. it smells funny inside the car.
being a fat women you know that your fat keeps men away from you. makes you physically safe from annoying random unwelcome advances. not the rapists or abusers. it keeps the regular guys looking for regular sex or the guys you compete with at work or for a parking space. they don't bother with you. you're not worth the trouble. it is a relief to a pretty girl. but are you on fat as a self defense against unwanted advances?
having sexual advances put upon you as a child makes you very weary. .. a child age 5. advanced upon when choice is not an option. before you have the words. its hard to say no as a child. children are expected to say yes. be a good girl and say yes when an adult asks you do to something. if asked to do something, do it.
a new question for me. why was my mother so selectively observant and keenly aware to the level of fortune teller or psychic. she knew the exact day i had sex with a boy for the first time. the exact day and location. she did. but she never saw that i was being sexually abused by her oldest son. on a regular basis. was it that you see what you are looking for. she wasnt looking for that in me at age 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 9 or 10 or 11 or 12. no one had ever told her to look inside the house as well as outside.
when you are fat bad things still happen to you. just fewer bad things. and the constant glare is omitted from your daily life. that gives you space. so now you only have to be alert for the real predators. the abusers, the rapists, the oppressors.
so how to feel safe and not be fat. is it possible for me to do that? yes if i am physically fit, then i feel safer. is that true or it just sounds good? and i want to be perceived as a good person healed, i want not to be a victim.
the first time i was a victim i was five years old. i weighed 36 pounds, and was 37 inches tall. i could climb trees and get over fences. i could catch poly wogs and fireflies. i could walk to the creek, and the barn and find my way back by myself. my dog duke and my older sister betty were my protectors. a car killed duke and betty married and moved out. their departures left me vulnerable.
and thats when it started. thats when it all started and kept going for more than 50 years. it didnt actually last 50 years it lasted about 9 years ... and then it kept going in my head and could fade away for hours at a time but it would pop back in.and blam its there..as quick as a swallow its in your minds eye..blocking whatever is happening in real time right in front of you..just missing that...but you learn to bring yourself back..snap back..here.. all day that happens all day long.
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