that is a goal, first pause, first response is pause and then respond differently.
that is going better. I was tested quite a bit in buffalo but i was for the most part calm and kind. came back yesterday and stayed pretty chill all day. i am responding differently, a lot differently.
i am an artist again after a very long break away from what i truly love..performance
Thursday, June 23, 2016
back to brigadoon
driving back to a2 today.
yesterday i quit therapy. done for the summer, im on a summer sabbatical from therapy. i associate therapy with having disorder that i have to fix...but i am probably in the better place, a more accepting place. im tired, no im exhausted. so a vacation is in order.
yesterday i quit therapy. done for the summer, im on a summer sabbatical from therapy. i associate therapy with having disorder that i have to fix...but i am probably in the better place, a more accepting place. im tired, no im exhausted. so a vacation is in order.
no energy
June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
no energy
June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
Friday, June 3, 2016
mix
i am having a mix of feelings. expected when back in bflo. i always do. do i come home or do i stay away. as of late i feel like i want to come home. but then i immediately second guess myself and decide no..it wont give me what i think it will, i will miss a2, i will miss the simple calm life i have there. back n forth i go...
I had a car accident i was making a turn and hit a oncoming van. no one was hurt. i was driving K's car.. because of damage it is the shop until tuesday. i feel terrible about it and i have continued to feel bad every day. im down. feel generally crappy. headache. im not doing much and i have no energy. im worried about that. lots of bad messaging to my self. which i am trying to counter but struggling. i would say i hate my life but it is also i hate me. im embarrassed to write that.
in a bad funk.
met with the headhunter D. What a lovely woman. she is going to let me know about any jobs. the issue for me right now is i am so tired, so exhausted, no get up and go which in m life i have had in abundance. i also have no stamina. its like i am try to move through mud and there is resistance. i do not know if it is psychological or physical or a little of both. what i really want some days is to quit working. i have worked so much and so hard .. since 1971...now 2016...45 years, no wonder i am tired. my jobs: waitress, customer service rep at the gas co, sales clerk at a convenience store which was less than a month lol because i refused to work thanksgving day so i just quit, paralegal, law librarian, print sale rep, project manager, house cleaner, seamstress, box office manager, box office ticket seller, producer, director, theater manager, phone sex operator (2 months), grant writer,non profit founder, fundraiser, special events manager, performance curator, marketing and development director, and development consultant...
i have about 30,000 in a 401K and I have not checked on my SSI but it will be low because of many years being underpaid working mostly for non profits. and so i will be unable to retire for many years and that scares me because i worry about my health and being able to take care of myself.
mostly jobs came to me. it was a long time before i started doing what i wanted as as opposed to what others had to offer that i could do. its been more of doing for others than what i want to do.
I had a car accident i was making a turn and hit a oncoming van. no one was hurt. i was driving K's car.. because of damage it is the shop until tuesday. i feel terrible about it and i have continued to feel bad every day. im down. feel generally crappy. headache. im not doing much and i have no energy. im worried about that. lots of bad messaging to my self. which i am trying to counter but struggling. i would say i hate my life but it is also i hate me. im embarrassed to write that.
in a bad funk.
met with the headhunter D. What a lovely woman. she is going to let me know about any jobs. the issue for me right now is i am so tired, so exhausted, no get up and go which in m life i have had in abundance. i also have no stamina. its like i am try to move through mud and there is resistance. i do not know if it is psychological or physical or a little of both. what i really want some days is to quit working. i have worked so much and so hard .. since 1971...now 2016...45 years, no wonder i am tired. my jobs: waitress, customer service rep at the gas co, sales clerk at a convenience store which was less than a month lol because i refused to work thanksgving day so i just quit, paralegal, law librarian, print sale rep, project manager, house cleaner, seamstress, box office manager, box office ticket seller, producer, director, theater manager, phone sex operator (2 months), grant writer,non profit founder, fundraiser, special events manager, performance curator, marketing and development director, and development consultant...
i have about 30,000 in a 401K and I have not checked on my SSI but it will be low because of many years being underpaid working mostly for non profits. and so i will be unable to retire for many years and that scares me because i worry about my health and being able to take care of myself.
mostly jobs came to me. it was a long time before i started doing what i wanted as as opposed to what others had to offer that i could do. its been more of doing for others than what i want to do.
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