no energy

June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.

I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.

Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good.  Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.

I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people

I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no

I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right

I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.