mix

i am having a mix of feelings. expected when back in bflo. i always do. do i come home or do i stay away. as of late i feel like i want to come home. but then i immediately second guess myself and decide no..it wont give me what i think it will, i will miss a2, i will miss the simple calm life i have there. back n forth i go...

I had a car accident i was making a turn and hit a oncoming van. no one was hurt. i was driving K's car.. because of damage  it is the shop until tuesday. i feel terrible about it and i have continued to feel bad every day. im down. feel generally crappy. headache. im not doing much and i have no energy. im worried about that. lots of bad messaging to my self. which i am trying to counter but struggling.  i would say i hate my life but it is also i hate me. im embarrassed to write that.

in a bad funk.

met with the headhunter D. What a lovely woman.   she is going to let me know about any jobs. the issue for me right now is i am so tired, so exhausted, no get up and go which in m life i have had in abundance. i also have no stamina. its like i am try to move through mud and there is resistance.  i do not know if it is psychological or physical or a little of both. what i really want some days is to quit working. i have worked so much and so hard .. since 1971...now 2016...45 years, no wonder i am tired. my jobs: waitress, customer service rep at the gas co,  sales clerk at a convenience store which was less than a month lol because i refused to work thanksgving day so i just quit,  paralegal, law librarian, print sale rep, project manager, house cleaner, seamstress, box office manager, box office ticket seller, producer, director, theater manager, phone sex operator (2 months), grant writer,non profit founder,  fundraiser, special events manager, performance curator, marketing and development director, and development consultant...

i have about 30,000 in a 401K and I have not checked on my SSI but it will be low because of many years being underpaid working mostly for non profits.  and so i will be unable to retire for many years and that scares me because i worry about my health and being able to take care of myself.

mostly jobs came to me. it was a long time before i started doing what i wanted as as opposed to what others had to offer that i could do. its been more of doing for others than what i want to do.