weekend again

that was a short week at work....nice... and today i have lunch with my friend and i have the liberty of the weekend all to myself. sigh of relief.

snow flurries coming. like that too. makes everything so quiet.

the reorg at house continues. I have made a good dent. finished closet this morning. Lazy susan may be next, or bathroom drawers. Then I get to start on the basement stuff. That work is more emotional. various emotional attachments to many of those items.  what to keep and what to let go of...it is a letting go process. and then sentimental feelings present resistance to letting go. i keep seeing images of  myself as an old woman alone looking at old letters and other items and it being my memory and my solace for living to long, having mementos to remember the good times. will i forget those people and times if i do no have the trinket to release the memory to me? and there is the guilt of what do i keep for my daughter who of course wants the same thing...

i went to work yesterday and it was good to be with people, it always lifts me. why can i not remember that when i am isolating? or maybe i only like hope of being connected, having the opportunity to connect with people. that is the happy feeling i get interacting with strangers. so easy to be really nice to people you do not know. you know the cash register clerk at the store, the deli gal,  the folks who repaired my watch saving me $, the servers at my favorite restaurant, the driver i let in the traffic lane, the shopper and their cart that i give wide berth to in the too skinny aisle, the librarian, nurses, med techs, all these folks you see once ... you have a perfect exchange...nothing bad happened....people think oh she is so nice....when really I am just so grateful for the connection and the safety of the moment where nothing bad happens.

my stupid haircut

yesterday I did something dangerous and very unlikely for me. I basically just walked into Aveda and asked for a haircut without knowing anything about the hairdresser...that was a mistake. It was a risk an so I am simply laughing it off as my stupid haircut. He had a not a clue and was well...clumsy kinda clumsy in his method.  But I am ever hopeful that I will find someone. Meanwhile I have made an appointment with Julie for one month from now. Correct the stupid haircut for a not stupid haircut.

i am going back to work today. sigh. time to face it all. time to fulfill my obligation to my employer.

so i worked on the closet. i only have one. simple. you would think. i took all the clothes that no longer fit-the 16 and 18 sizes and packed them away. What is left in the closet are only the clothes that fit. not much. not much at all. kinda empty.

2 weeks. ive been out of it for two weeks.

time for re-entry. I have isolated long enough.

and i must make a decision about my weight. yesterday i was shocked to see my size in the mirror when i was getting my haircut. wow.

closet

yesterday i started cleaning the closet. Oh and I cleaned out three of the four drawers under the bed. One to go. Closet is half way done. Im on a roll. It's avoidance and escape on a grand scale that says but its constructive activity Im cleaning, organizing, recycling, regifting, becoming a better person.

Ignore the facts
Not showing up at work.
No physical activity really, no working out, which I know makes me feel better.
Eating unhealthy
Coughing
Discomfort from fat
Farting all the time
Drinking wine
Sometimes forgetting meds
Binge television watching
Binge eating
Irregular sleep
Poor nutrition
High sugar levels
Depression
Continual self medicating

I know better. I have achieved great success but I never sustain it. I do not know what to do. I want to sustain success.

i dont really want to

I am making me write.  It is supposed to help a troubled mind, and or a broken soul. Heal what ails ya. I have been tepidly keeping a journal for more than 30 years. I say tepid because i do not do it every day. It varies on and off, but it preservers none the less. I have a deep drawer full of journals. I often think about going through each one chronologically and catching the gems. The little looking back I have done has not been so positive so I hesitate to really jump in and follow through on the idea.  But I keep writing.

Christmas vacation is over. I need more time but I can't take off any more time. I have to catch up on quite a bit. Well it always feels that way. No matter what I get done, I always feel like I have not done enough. I need to do more and do it better.

But wait I did accomplish some of what I wanted. I did get more organized at home, and I de-cluttered some drawers-moved books and book shelves and set up my desk area to distract me away from television- I did not renew amazon-I cleaned the refrigerator-cleaned u my living room mess- filed papers-so I feel I kinda cleared the deck-and I said I wanted to sleep. I did sleep. I slept a lot. I am still tired but I slept a lot.  I got to work on time this morning, remembered to bring a lunch and did not forget my phone. A good start?

oh gawd January 2017.

Wait here, I'll run and get help.

Lang may yer lum reek.

January 1, 2017. Here we go. Another new year.

My Dad loved new year's..well he loved the holidays, he was always in a good mood, happy, smiling, happy to welcome folks to the house, happy to make his eggnog with port wine, happy to give gifts. I think now, looking back, that he liked it so much because now he could buy gifts and give gifts, he was no longer poor. He so enjoyed giving to others. On New Years Eve and New Year's Day he and I would go first footing, to people's homes delivering fruitcake and bottles of scotch. He loved that and I loved doing it with him.

The most I could muster last night was dinner with friends, and conversation before and after. Done. I was awake at midnight to exchange texts with my daughter. I want sleep. As much as I can get.

It is a surreal new years full of political uncertainty and misery. I am not feeling my usual motivation.

I did runes last night-and I basically got-Examine self- Practice patience-Change is possible.  Those are good words to live by for the next twelve months.

The cats are my most loyal companions. They are my constant, my daily ritual partners. The love is mutual and unconditional and very soft.

Spending the day taking care or as always I am reorganizing the sock drawer-all drawers, kitchen and bathroom drawers, living drawers, bedroom drawers and closets,  and some basement storage reorg. I already did the books. 3 bookcases, 5 shelves each, each book moved and dusted, and replaced.

De-clutter. The acts of de-cluttering is so satisfying. I can be miserable-totally unsatisfied with life, the country, my friends, myself, but reorg at home in a contained space that is all mine and i get to make all the decisions about what to toss and what to keep and where it should now live in the space...is relaxing. It is never done and many spaces need to done over and over through out the year.

Those are my plans today.

I might get myself into work for a bit and see where i am at see how bad it is...make priorities.

Later that same day...

I did not go to work. I went to Plum. I smoked. Then I smoked some more. And I ate. And I drank wine. And with each passing minute i regret that I get closer to my vacation is coming to an end. Only one more day left.

sigh.

I would be happy to never go to work ever again. Very happy.

Day before

That is odd. In a café bakery and no wifi but they have ether cords and cables. I almost did not recognize the word when it was said it has been so long since I have heard that word.

I was the first in my family to get a divorce.

The only one to get a college degree.

And I was different than all the rest more so that I was like any of the rest.

Not married

Divorced

Single Parent

Artist

Lifelong non-profit worker

Anti-racist

Fringe walker. That is how I have always thought of myself. Walking along the fringe of it all.  A perspective from the outside looking in, learned when I was young for matters of survival. I have a secret, a big one, to protect the family I must not allow it to escape. To keep it all together for everyone I must be on the alert for signs of trouble, or error, or threats to the balance. I tried. I really tried. The group did not want to stay in a group. All the group members decided to disband except for funerals. Not even weddings brought us together after a while.

Now there is chosen family. I hate that word chosen. I prefer saying family, without the descriptor.

Birthplace family and family for life. I know we will not disband. I know we will be at the important events. In this family I do not need to worry so much.

bday

Had a birthday last week. 63 ... and I am not happy about it. No.

I know I should be grateful that I live inside...have a job and food and I can travel in my car ...but i am not happy about getting older...no happy

i struggle with it.

but i did gt to be with the women i love most of them no sarah or carmen and that was sad but lorna kate jane zoe rahwa...and me...it was fun fun. i would like to do it again right away.

we got tattoos. the same tattoo. i liked that. greatness for us all.  we designed it together and decided together what it was going to be. the tattoo is thoughtful.