sleep conquers all

i fell asleep last nite at 5:30 p.m. and woke up at 11:30 p.m. stayed woke til 3 a.m. went back to sleep until 6 a.m.

now on my second cup of coffee. some nights i go to sleep dreaming about waking up and having my coffee. i love my coffee. i need a warmer plate though. some of my friends at work have them at their desks. there is something else i can spend money on.

finished cleaning lazy susan. as long as every day i can check something off i feel like i am making progress. i am keeping a big list on the wall. i write it down and  cross off as i go.these are the simple joys. my goal is to finish in the house and move to basement storage. I need to plan it.  It would be good to dig in when landlady is away. change makes her nuts. well unless its her changes.

i need to decide what to keep and what to let go of and is there a method to do both.

when moving all the books last week i rediscovered a treasured book from when i was very young. The Scottish Tartans. I read about every clan. I was very intrigued with my father's ancestry and place of origin. My father's father, James was a foot soldier in the Queen's regiment known as the Black Watch. He was killed in the battle of Loos in France. My father's immigrant story was at first like a fairy tale, I romanticized it. Then when older I began to understand the incredible poverty he and his family endured and the how great the reward of immigration was for them.  My family had no land so therefor no tartan. But the tartan we can claim is my grandfather's black watch tartan.

The moving of the books, the reorg has brought back memories. I was in 7th grade when it started. I was taking a home economics class that had a sewing section. I started tracing dresses I wanted to make and wear. I had really good tracing paper and pencils from the stationery store. I also started making some clothes for myself.

list

write it down. get it done. check it off. repeat.

weekend again

that was a short week at work....nice... and today i have lunch with my friend and i have the liberty of the weekend all to myself. sigh of relief.

snow flurries coming. like that too. makes everything so quiet.

the reorg at house continues. I have made a good dent. finished closet this morning. Lazy susan may be next, or bathroom drawers. Then I get to start on the basement stuff. That work is more emotional. various emotional attachments to many of those items.  what to keep and what to let go of...it is a letting go process. and then sentimental feelings present resistance to letting go. i keep seeing images of  myself as an old woman alone looking at old letters and other items and it being my memory and my solace for living to long, having mementos to remember the good times. will i forget those people and times if i do no have the trinket to release the memory to me? and there is the guilt of what do i keep for my daughter who of course wants the same thing...

i went to work yesterday and it was good to be with people, it always lifts me. why can i not remember that when i am isolating? or maybe i only like hope of being connected, having the opportunity to connect with people. that is the happy feeling i get interacting with strangers. so easy to be really nice to people you do not know. you know the cash register clerk at the store, the deli gal,  the folks who repaired my watch saving me $, the servers at my favorite restaurant, the driver i let in the traffic lane, the shopper and their cart that i give wide berth to in the too skinny aisle, the librarian, nurses, med techs, all these folks you see once ... you have a perfect exchange...nothing bad happened....people think oh she is so nice....when really I am just so grateful for the connection and the safety of the moment where nothing bad happens.

my stupid haircut

yesterday I did something dangerous and very unlikely for me. I basically just walked into Aveda and asked for a haircut without knowing anything about the hairdresser...that was a mistake. It was a risk an so I am simply laughing it off as my stupid haircut. He had a not a clue and was well...clumsy kinda clumsy in his method.  But I am ever hopeful that I will find someone. Meanwhile I have made an appointment with Julie for one month from now. Correct the stupid haircut for a not stupid haircut.

i am going back to work today. sigh. time to face it all. time to fulfill my obligation to my employer.

so i worked on the closet. i only have one. simple. you would think. i took all the clothes that no longer fit-the 16 and 18 sizes and packed them away. What is left in the closet are only the clothes that fit. not much. not much at all. kinda empty.

2 weeks. ive been out of it for two weeks.

time for re-entry. I have isolated long enough.

and i must make a decision about my weight. yesterday i was shocked to see my size in the mirror when i was getting my haircut. wow.

closet

yesterday i started cleaning the closet. Oh and I cleaned out three of the four drawers under the bed. One to go. Closet is half way done. Im on a roll. It's avoidance and escape on a grand scale that says but its constructive activity Im cleaning, organizing, recycling, regifting, becoming a better person.

Ignore the facts
Not showing up at work.
No physical activity really, no working out, which I know makes me feel better.
Eating unhealthy
Coughing
Discomfort from fat
Farting all the time
Drinking wine
Sometimes forgetting meds
Binge television watching
Binge eating
Irregular sleep
Poor nutrition
High sugar levels
Depression
Continual self medicating

I know better. I have achieved great success but I never sustain it. I do not know what to do. I want to sustain success.

i dont really want to

I am making me write.  It is supposed to help a troubled mind, and or a broken soul. Heal what ails ya. I have been tepidly keeping a journal for more than 30 years. I say tepid because i do not do it every day. It varies on and off, but it preservers none the less. I have a deep drawer full of journals. I often think about going through each one chronologically and catching the gems. The little looking back I have done has not been so positive so I hesitate to really jump in and follow through on the idea.  But I keep writing.

Christmas vacation is over. I need more time but I can't take off any more time. I have to catch up on quite a bit. Well it always feels that way. No matter what I get done, I always feel like I have not done enough. I need to do more and do it better.

But wait I did accomplish some of what I wanted. I did get more organized at home, and I de-cluttered some drawers-moved books and book shelves and set up my desk area to distract me away from television- I did not renew amazon-I cleaned the refrigerator-cleaned u my living room mess- filed papers-so I feel I kinda cleared the deck-and I said I wanted to sleep. I did sleep. I slept a lot. I am still tired but I slept a lot.  I got to work on time this morning, remembered to bring a lunch and did not forget my phone. A good start?

oh gawd January 2017.

Wait here, I'll run and get help.

Lang may yer lum reek.

January 1, 2017. Here we go. Another new year.

My Dad loved new year's..well he loved the holidays, he was always in a good mood, happy, smiling, happy to welcome folks to the house, happy to make his eggnog with port wine, happy to give gifts. I think now, looking back, that he liked it so much because now he could buy gifts and give gifts, he was no longer poor. He so enjoyed giving to others. On New Years Eve and New Year's Day he and I would go first footing, to people's homes delivering fruitcake and bottles of scotch. He loved that and I loved doing it with him.

The most I could muster last night was dinner with friends, and conversation before and after. Done. I was awake at midnight to exchange texts with my daughter. I want sleep. As much as I can get.

It is a surreal new years full of political uncertainty and misery. I am not feeling my usual motivation.

I did runes last night-and I basically got-Examine self- Practice patience-Change is possible.  Those are good words to live by for the next twelve months.

The cats are my most loyal companions. They are my constant, my daily ritual partners. The love is mutual and unconditional and very soft.

Spending the day taking care or as always I am reorganizing the sock drawer-all drawers, kitchen and bathroom drawers, living drawers, bedroom drawers and closets,  and some basement storage reorg. I already did the books. 3 bookcases, 5 shelves each, each book moved and dusted, and replaced.

De-clutter. The acts of de-cluttering is so satisfying. I can be miserable-totally unsatisfied with life, the country, my friends, myself, but reorg at home in a contained space that is all mine and i get to make all the decisions about what to toss and what to keep and where it should now live in the space...is relaxing. It is never done and many spaces need to done over and over through out the year.

Those are my plans today.

I might get myself into work for a bit and see where i am at see how bad it is...make priorities.

Later that same day...

I did not go to work. I went to Plum. I smoked. Then I smoked some more. And I ate. And I drank wine. And with each passing minute i regret that I get closer to my vacation is coming to an end. Only one more day left.

sigh.

I would be happy to never go to work ever again. Very happy.