what it did to me.

Sexual abuse in a very young person changes everything.

It changed me. Not in the way a person would grow and change over time, based on experience and choices that you recognize or acknowledge as yours. No, the change I am talking about is  the result of trauma. And a child has so little context that the brain starts making choices, pushing the child to develop survival skills for life. Everything could be a matter of life or death, and the brain does what it has to to make sure you are never going to be hurt again.

A kind of  unconscious self defense class that you stay in and never graduate from.These are not conscious decisions. Over time you come to believe  it's just who you are,  this is the person you we destined to be. Just like you believe Amelia Earhart was born to fly the Atlantic. Then you fill yourself up and weigh yourself down with guilt and shame.

To feel safe in the world that let me down and vulnerable to abuse I became, unyielding, vigilant, forceful to protect myself, to stay alive in my world. Anything bad could happen at any moment, and everything that happens is my fault. My childhood sexual abuse happened over a period of 10 years, 10 years living with a big dark dirty secret that conditioned me in ways it would take years to unlock.

If I could appear strong powerful then I would not appear vulnerable, and be safe from harm like that or of any kind.

Being hard on myself  is my vigilance trying to keep me safe. Always on the lookout for the predator. The need became great at such a young age that for most of my life I would have said it wasn't true. That was just who I was.

Now I practice being vulnerable. I practice telling myself that everything is going to be okay. That it is a path to a happiness I have yet to experience.  But I resist the practice.

not guilty

I cant be guilty of anything, because if I am I'm guilty of all of it.

Not

If I'm guilty of one thing I'm guilty of all of it.

Today I kept my word to myself. Pats on my back for that.

 STOP

Saying stop to the intrusive thoughts.

starting over

off from the starting gate morning one

i have been on a serious binge since michfest and today i wish to stop that behavior and turn it around. my behaviors are harming actually halting and reversing my good work and health achievements.

there is no wine and no pot in the house. i keep this record to know when i made this promise to my self. i know what to do. meditate every day, take my meds, get some exercise momentum going at rec center and eat healthy. lets see what i can do and how far i can go.lets see how much better i feel.

i can do this. i have done this. i know how to do this. i can do it again.

i will feel better. i will feel so much better. i look forward to feeling that good again.

so with doc i agreed to

say stop when the bad thoughts come
mediatate
be creative

today is predicted to be a rain day, so rain and music and housecleaning for saturday ... it rained overnight with lightning and thunder last night but i slept through most of it.

today i agreed

what i agreed to in therapy today

today i agreed.
i did not disagree
i interrupted my impulse to disagree
"thats an interesting thought" or "thank you" are possible new responses

 i agreed to starting a meditation practice

i agreed to doing something creative

i can let it go

She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how to let go. She didn’t search the scriptures. She just let go. She let go of all of the memories that held her back. She let go of all of the anxiety that kept her from moving forward. She let go of the planning and all of the calculations about how to do it just right.
She didn’t promise to let go. She didn’t journal about it. She didn’t write the projected date in her Day-Timer. She made no public announcement and put no ad in the paper. She didn’t check the weather report or read her daily horoscope. She just let go.
She didn’t analyze whether she should let go. She didn’t call her friends to discuss the matter. She didn’t do a five-step Spiritual Mind Treatment. She didn’t call the prayer line. She didn’t utter one word. She just let go.
No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations. No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing. Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.
There was no effort. There was no struggle. It wasn’t good and it wasn’t bad. It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be. A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her. And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.
~Saphire Rose

(Art: Trini Schultz, thanks to Source of the Earth)

that time of year when the season changes

thats whats happening now. summer ending, fall arriving. the air and light is different too. school year has started and kids are back in school as are the cheese buses. the energy of autumn is here. its a different hustle on the street. people pick up the pace of their walk.

true to my own rituals i have been reorganizing my space and possessions. shedding what i no longer need and rearranging the furniture. ive replaced the shower curtain liner and relocated the litter box.

made a decision. listening to dalton in a way that i hear her.
when she makes a statement that i want to discount. i will resist that urge, and instead accept what doc has said. accept what i wish to reject.

change

vulnerable. practice vulnerability every day

change

shame. let go of it. don't let the need to understand it block the letting go of it.

i always feel good during the autumn months. i feel more possibility for change.

recovery
im in recovery from trauma
i have been for the greater part of my life

i have accomplished many things in spite of and because of this state of being
doc asked for a list of accomplishments

there are two lists
one of personal achievement
one is social change

social change
ujima theatre company
era extension campaign
drama workshops at correctional facility-convicted rapists
writing workshop womens correctional facility
training and presentations on sexual assault/date rape/increased prosecution rate
acting workshops/classes for lesbians1994-95
published yalla bitch
founded lesbian theatre company 1994
founded dyke march bflo 2001
lesbian health care project
dykes do drag artistic director and executive producer

unpaid fundraiser for MOMMA, day care, ERA, Casting Hall, Ujima, Everywoman Opportunity Center, Bflo Pride, Dyke March, HAG,  Bflo Lesbian Health Care Project,Simple Gifts, Earth's Daughters, Benedict House, Just Buffalo Literary Center, NOW Buffalo Chapter, Erie County Citizens Committee Against Rape and Sexual Assault, high school yearbook, PEAR Kenya, Michigan Marriage Challenge

sat on the board NOW Bflo, Erie Co Citizens Com Against rape and sexual assault, Buffalo Pride, HAG Theatre, PEAR Kenya, AFP Detroit, A2 Network

paid fundraiser Hallwalls, Ujima, CEPA, Casting Hall SUCB, Menorah Campus, Arts Council of Bflo and Erie Co, HRWC, El Museo, Mosaic Youth Theatre of Detroit

personal achiewelfare

Sought help
finished college while on welfare
i see people and things others miss, because i am alert
highly perceptive bullshit detector
sensitive and kind
motivated activist
grateful to ancestors
artist
mother
friend
capable of more
bear for hard work
artistic collaborations with ron ehmke, trish kerle, alexis de veaux, lorna hill, jimmie gilliam, sarah norat phillips, peggy shaw, tatiana de le tierra, madeline davis
presented mostly queer artists ron ehmke, holly hughes, Betty, Kate Clinton, lea delaria, bitch, toshi, david sedaris, patty lupone, dorothy alison, jacquelyn woodson, sister spit, split britches, peggy shaw and lois weaver.