that is a goal, first pause, first response is pause and then respond differently.
that is going better. I was tested quite a bit in buffalo but i was for the most part calm and kind. came back yesterday and stayed pretty chill all day. i am responding differently, a lot differently.
i am an artist again after a very long break away from what i truly love..performance
Thursday, June 23, 2016
back to brigadoon
driving back to a2 today.
yesterday i quit therapy. done for the summer, im on a summer sabbatical from therapy. i associate therapy with having disorder that i have to fix...but i am probably in the better place, a more accepting place. im tired, no im exhausted. so a vacation is in order.
yesterday i quit therapy. done for the summer, im on a summer sabbatical from therapy. i associate therapy with having disorder that i have to fix...but i am probably in the better place, a more accepting place. im tired, no im exhausted. so a vacation is in order.
no energy
June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
no energy
June 3 was my last entry it is now June 23...did the dyke march exhaust me that much? I was having energy issues before the beginning of June and the fatigue seems to be getting worse. I have little energy for anything beyond essentials and even then sometimes not.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
I have been realizing or maybe it is acknowledging the state of fear that i lived in for some many years. Every day from age 5 until age 13. Everyday for 10 years. 3650 days. Everyday i was afraid, i lived in constant fear of being caught, rejected and abandoned by my family, my safety net, those for whom I depended upon for everything. For food and shelter and whatever safety was left, and for love and acceptance.
Everyday I have felt pain from those ten years. People how are you. Hangin in is my usual answer. Hard for me to say good ...I'm good. Life is good. Harder to say well if you really want to know I suffer from ptsd and every day and one moment or another I will have flashbacks of scenes of molestation. Would like me describe it for you? No one wants to hear that. No one wants those images in their consciousness to be troubled or made uncomfortable. Then there is their judgement. Their micro aggression which without experience they cannot even acknowledge, and then I have to ake care of them, have to help them process...oh but I am ok. no worries I have survived, I have survived suffering every day. And by bearing under the weight or holding up the burden of the suffering I have managed to remain standing. Maybe that is why now I am tired.
I had no choice
so i fight for choice for all people
I have managed to learn
process
understand
feel others pain
and stand up and say no
I said no
and i continue to say no
no thats not right
its not right and i am not afraid to say
its not right
I could just lay down and rest my bones, rest my mind. rest.
Friday, June 3, 2016
mix
i am having a mix of feelings. expected when back in bflo. i always do. do i come home or do i stay away. as of late i feel like i want to come home. but then i immediately second guess myself and decide no..it wont give me what i think it will, i will miss a2, i will miss the simple calm life i have there. back n forth i go...
I had a car accident i was making a turn and hit a oncoming van. no one was hurt. i was driving K's car.. because of damage it is the shop until tuesday. i feel terrible about it and i have continued to feel bad every day. im down. feel generally crappy. headache. im not doing much and i have no energy. im worried about that. lots of bad messaging to my self. which i am trying to counter but struggling. i would say i hate my life but it is also i hate me. im embarrassed to write that.
in a bad funk.
met with the headhunter D. What a lovely woman. she is going to let me know about any jobs. the issue for me right now is i am so tired, so exhausted, no get up and go which in m life i have had in abundance. i also have no stamina. its like i am try to move through mud and there is resistance. i do not know if it is psychological or physical or a little of both. what i really want some days is to quit working. i have worked so much and so hard .. since 1971...now 2016...45 years, no wonder i am tired. my jobs: waitress, customer service rep at the gas co, sales clerk at a convenience store which was less than a month lol because i refused to work thanksgving day so i just quit, paralegal, law librarian, print sale rep, project manager, house cleaner, seamstress, box office manager, box office ticket seller, producer, director, theater manager, phone sex operator (2 months), grant writer,non profit founder, fundraiser, special events manager, performance curator, marketing and development director, and development consultant...
i have about 30,000 in a 401K and I have not checked on my SSI but it will be low because of many years being underpaid working mostly for non profits. and so i will be unable to retire for many years and that scares me because i worry about my health and being able to take care of myself.
mostly jobs came to me. it was a long time before i started doing what i wanted as as opposed to what others had to offer that i could do. its been more of doing for others than what i want to do.
I had a car accident i was making a turn and hit a oncoming van. no one was hurt. i was driving K's car.. because of damage it is the shop until tuesday. i feel terrible about it and i have continued to feel bad every day. im down. feel generally crappy. headache. im not doing much and i have no energy. im worried about that. lots of bad messaging to my self. which i am trying to counter but struggling. i would say i hate my life but it is also i hate me. im embarrassed to write that.
in a bad funk.
met with the headhunter D. What a lovely woman. she is going to let me know about any jobs. the issue for me right now is i am so tired, so exhausted, no get up and go which in m life i have had in abundance. i also have no stamina. its like i am try to move through mud and there is resistance. i do not know if it is psychological or physical or a little of both. what i really want some days is to quit working. i have worked so much and so hard .. since 1971...now 2016...45 years, no wonder i am tired. my jobs: waitress, customer service rep at the gas co, sales clerk at a convenience store which was less than a month lol because i refused to work thanksgving day so i just quit, paralegal, law librarian, print sale rep, project manager, house cleaner, seamstress, box office manager, box office ticket seller, producer, director, theater manager, phone sex operator (2 months), grant writer,non profit founder, fundraiser, special events manager, performance curator, marketing and development director, and development consultant...
i have about 30,000 in a 401K and I have not checked on my SSI but it will be low because of many years being underpaid working mostly for non profits. and so i will be unable to retire for many years and that scares me because i worry about my health and being able to take care of myself.
mostly jobs came to me. it was a long time before i started doing what i wanted as as opposed to what others had to offer that i could do. its been more of doing for others than what i want to do.
Monday, May 30, 2016
im home
waking up in a house full of people. had an uneventful drive in from MI. Staying with K/J and the kids. Slept well last night. Im tired and sore but feel good and i am looking forward to being here for the coming 10/now 9 days.
Thursday, May 26, 2016
working on it
for as long as I can remember starts for me at about age 4. and from that age or maybe 5, I was being threatened. The threat was often repeated to make sure I was compliant about everything, about his dick in my mouth or molesting my genitalia. I stayed quiet ... quiet and gaining guilt with every molestation. I would estimate from age 4 or 5 until age 13, I was molested by my brother over 100 times. Some years more than others. and for as long as I can remember it has occupied my body, my memory, a portion of my thoughts every day, and it's effects its residue its power over me has greatly influenced my behavior, my life, my decisions, it has in a way been my fate.
i have always tried to do something about it, always tried to deal with its ramifications both during and after. i have done therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis, eating sugar fat and salt, smoking pot, reading, even writing and performing. i became an activist and change agent for single moms, women's rights, equality for women, advocate for rape and sexual assault victims, equality for blacks, equal rights for queers, theater for lesbians, and art for everyone.
still it shadows me. still it directs my decisions and i deal with it every single day as it interrupts my day over and over.
therapists ; myron, paul, danny, tom, gerry, alice, suzie, dalton, even a national expert on ptsd who I spent two days with in a convent working on body memory...and two more whose names I have forgotten. those names might be in an old address book in a drawer somewhere, but i don't care enough to go look.
my daughter as a child and a teenager was sexually assaulted on the street ..two attacks. and at age 30 I was raped in my own bed by a dangerous man who came into my house and raped me at gunpoint as kate lay next to me asleep. again i am threatened to be compliant. it just kept coming. but it does every day for women on this planet, it just keeps coming ... i am not alone.
i believe that when i bump up against the blockades I encounter, i keep slamming, hammering, battering away it, until i bust through. the awakening that came at age 12 was to get away, and i did, to boarding school and once there i was free from the threats but not the fear. a classmate gave me a black molly (speed) to stay awake and study, what it did instead was loosen my defenses, my inhibitions, and i told a friend what was happening and she introduced me to her therapist. I remember telling Myron I felt I was a whore. he reassured me i was not. i remember everything about that experience, and I can even now feel the comfort I received in those moments of first breaking my silence with someone who listened and told me i had done nothing wrong. Because of those two visits with myron I was 13 maybe 14 when i SAID NO and it STOPPED. When i heard the familiar car pull into the driveway, for the first time i protected my self by running to the bathroom and locking myself in. I said no and go away through the door. he went away. he never tried again.
simply went away. but fear and guilt and shame stayed.
i have always tried to do something about it, always tried to deal with its ramifications both during and after. i have done therapy, meditation, massage, hypnosis, eating sugar fat and salt, smoking pot, reading, even writing and performing. i became an activist and change agent for single moms, women's rights, equality for women, advocate for rape and sexual assault victims, equality for blacks, equal rights for queers, theater for lesbians, and art for everyone.
still it shadows me. still it directs my decisions and i deal with it every single day as it interrupts my day over and over.
therapists ; myron, paul, danny, tom, gerry, alice, suzie, dalton, even a national expert on ptsd who I spent two days with in a convent working on body memory...and two more whose names I have forgotten. those names might be in an old address book in a drawer somewhere, but i don't care enough to go look.
my daughter as a child and a teenager was sexually assaulted on the street ..two attacks. and at age 30 I was raped in my own bed by a dangerous man who came into my house and raped me at gunpoint as kate lay next to me asleep. again i am threatened to be compliant. it just kept coming. but it does every day for women on this planet, it just keeps coming ... i am not alone.
i believe that when i bump up against the blockades I encounter, i keep slamming, hammering, battering away it, until i bust through. the awakening that came at age 12 was to get away, and i did, to boarding school and once there i was free from the threats but not the fear. a classmate gave me a black molly (speed) to stay awake and study, what it did instead was loosen my defenses, my inhibitions, and i told a friend what was happening and she introduced me to her therapist. I remember telling Myron I felt I was a whore. he reassured me i was not. i remember everything about that experience, and I can even now feel the comfort I received in those moments of first breaking my silence with someone who listened and told me i had done nothing wrong. Because of those two visits with myron I was 13 maybe 14 when i SAID NO and it STOPPED. When i heard the familiar car pull into the driveway, for the first time i protected my self by running to the bathroom and locking myself in. I said no and go away through the door. he went away. he never tried again.
simply went away. but fear and guilt and shame stayed.
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