foot off the pedal

I had to talk myself out of it. I had to have a serious conversation with myself. I wanted to jump in the car and drive 5 hours to Bflo, surprise everyone and support T. I fantasized about it, imagined it all in my head. Imagined the scene where I show up and everyone is happy to see me. That is so attractive. And seeing T and saying I'm here to help. Feels good to imagine it. And it does feel really good when it happens in real time, not just my head. It was even fun to imagine it. Talked my self out it, and stayed put. I have had insomnia all week, sleep this weekend is essential.  But the usual pressure of another Friday night alone with cats didn't cut it. So I went out with friend to an outdoor concert. The band was great. My response to being here is changing. When I go out now I see folks I know and folks say hi to me and use my name. That was a big change for me when I came here, hearing my name called out to me..for most of my life. People who do not know you say your name differently. There is little warmth or familiarity in the tone. Trish said my name like she knew me in an intimate and important way.

Our comfort with each other is increasing, me and the new place. Went to the lesbian softball game Wednesday night. Had a good time, met two women who have been together since 1965. I spent the entire time talking with them, story by story until we knew each other pretty well. They are in their mid80s so they made me feel young. Later, speaking with a 33 yr. old woman about to graduate with her BA in Criminal Justice I felt old. It depends who is standing next to me. Next to a high fem I feel butch, nest to a butch I feel fem.

 And so it goes...6.5 years here in the new place, it took me a long time to allow any of it in, I armor myself against it. When I want  I put my foot on the pedal and drive home to Bflo.  Armor off. Foot off the pedal I stayed put. Called a friend and went out for an evening of music and food. I made the effort to stay present with my surroundings and soak it in the presence of it. I felt still an outsider observing but at least I was observing the place around me.

That ability to imagine and then actualize with a response to make it happen is one of my strengths and survivor skills. I would daydream out the window in grade school about being in the woods around my house. Then I would go home, change clothes and run out the door to the woods or the creek by myself. I was hiding from forces greater than me. When high school approached I imagined being away at a boarding school by reading the NYTimes Sunday Magazine. One small text only ad and 5 months later I was living at an all girl boarding school in the mountains of central PA.. Safely hiding from forces greater than me. Opposite of the fairy tales the woods around both places made me feel safe.

 I imagined myself divorced and did it. I imagined raising my daughter alone and I did it. That was not always what I had imagined in any way. It was a naïve decision in many ways, one I may not have made had I known all that lay ahead. But I held to the decision and all is well. I imagined moving to Mich and I did it. But my foot seems to have come off the pedal. When I daydream what I might do next I keep drawing a blank.