Looking for pictures is a good stall to writing. Triggers. I had a trigger yesterday or maybe it was the evening before and I resisted a whole day. Now I am enjoying a lost weekend zoning out and away. A departure. Friday night loneliness might be it. I would rather do something social on Friday nights. I could always have something planned so that that trigger isn't released. Or was it the phone call to B who sits next to B who had an hour to kill...and could provide delivery, was that the trigger? Are certain people automatic triggers? Was it that I stayed put. I didn't ride my excitement out of dodge but stayed and visited the saloon instead? . Could it be that? My mom was an every day without fail beer drinker cigarette smoker, ending her days in a frozen state of non-response. Absent, gone, not there, very quiet and unresolved. Peg woke up loud. Loud created agitation, agitation created need, need gave way to frustration and anger, and door slamming or drawer slamming, which made her thirsty for beer, and she drank until she found silence and calm at day's end. Unresolved. My journey through all those emotions -the same emotions-as we are both very much products of our time but women. As women my advantage was education and therapy. My never ending quest for presence and acceptance for self care and compassion of self. That is my target, that is what I aim for. Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of traveling. As a woman her value was found in who she married, and once all children were grown, and it was just mom and dad, she reverted to wife and was happier. I never saw my mother in a "happy." I think that is why I always tried to make her laugh, so I could see her smile.
Looking for pictures is a good stall to writing. Triggers. I had a trigger yesterday or maybe it was the evening before and I resisted a whole day. Now I am enjoying a lost weekend zoning out and away. A departure. Friday night loneliness might be it. I would rather do something social on Friday nights. I could always have something planned so that that trigger isn't released. Or was it the phone call to B who sits next to B who had an hour to kill...and could provide delivery, was that the trigger? Are certain people automatic triggers? Was it that I stayed put. I didn't ride my excitement out of dodge but stayed and visited the saloon instead? . Could it be that? My mom was an every day without fail beer drinker cigarette smoker, ending her days in a frozen state of non-response. Absent, gone, not there, very quiet and unresolved. Peg woke up loud. Loud created agitation, agitation created need, need gave way to frustration and anger, and door slamming or drawer slamming, which made her thirsty for beer, and she drank until she found silence and calm at day's end. Unresolved. My journey through all those emotions -the same emotions-as we are both very much products of our time but women. As women my advantage was education and therapy. My never ending quest for presence and acceptance for self care and compassion of self. That is my target, that is what I aim for. Happiness is not a state to arrive at but a manner of traveling. As a woman her value was found in who she married, and once all children were grown, and it was just mom and dad, she reverted to wife and was happier. I never saw my mother in a "happy." I think that is why I always tried to make her laugh, so I could see her smile.
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