Sat mornings and history

Saturday mornings are difficult. The beginning chapter to two whole days to myself with no distraction and the challenge of that for me. I have spent many weekends alone. Only thing worse is Sunday evening when you start dreading going back to work.  Not being very present and definitely isolating and lonely. Socialization is not what it should be for me. My work provides a social circle. My weekends make my solitude more obvious to me.

But this weekend is special for two reasons. It's the queer day of independence, and it was a riot witnessed by my ex Leslie.

 She was across the street sitting on the stonewall when the riot busted out. Her butch New Jersey self just watching when this beautiful blond woman runs out and across the street trying to not get hurt or arrested. That is when they met...shared a cigarette...and then Leslie took Dody to her parent's home in New Jersey, snuck her upstairs to her bed/bedroom where they spent the next three days together...can you imagine meeting at stonewall... two lesbians who become a love story.

And the Supreme Court ruled DOMA illegal and reversed Prop 8. Federal protection starting to kick in for some of us. Not all but some..."small axes big trees" Lynn Breedlove.

I am trying to think of my first gay icon. Judy. As in my favorite television star. I watched her show every week and then I saw her as Dorothy on a special television airing of The Wizard of Oz once a year...that I never missed...ever. And then I started looking for her movies on the Saturday or Sunday afternoon movie. I watched all the movies more than I watched network t.v. unless it was a variety show ..I loved variety shows, especially the song and dance sequences. I was a sucker for the musicals and movies on t.v.

First gay restaurant I went to had an all pink interior with giant framed posters of movie stars wearing only mink coats. Judy was one of those posters. I loved going to that restaurant. I didn't hate the color pink yet, and I loved its over the top style...nice patio too. Ate there often with Sarah, took Kate for fish frys on Fridays, James, Tom Lewis and Kastle and I think Carole and Murphy too. I loved it there.

more difficult

The older I get the more difficult life becomes for me. The loss of my youthful naiveté, the Teflon that provides is now gone with age, trauma and experience. Another reason... More dissatisfaction with the results of my life to this point? Fear of illness as I age is another...

That was how I felt yesterday morning. Then I read this article and it lifted me up....Feminists We Love

I identified with much of what she talked about. My father taught me to trust the story, above all else. And I feel most comfortable in a room where most of the people do not resemble each other. I hustled for most of my life....and I am always the loudest laugh in the room. These are all good things. Amazing how reading can lift you up. Words on a page created by someone else that can give you a sense of self on a day when it was lost.

flat

My life feels flat. I get out of bed because I wake up and because I have to go to work so I can pay the bills like the car note and insurance so I can go to sleep and rest and then wake up and drive to work. I have had the urge to chuck it all but know that I cannot. Work is okay but I feel no real excitement in my tasks from day to day and the goals are easily reached. I feel an outsider there. Everyone is het and married with young children. I'm about to turn sixty, and am gay with a grown daughter who lives in another state. I have made it back to the gym after a long absence post surgery. I have been swimming and if I can keep that going I know the endorphins will kick in and I will feel elevated naturally. I was surprised at how stiff and knotted my muscles were and when I wake in the morning I can feel that work out pain but that is a good thing.  I'm in a funk for sure. I hate the hot humid weather. Difficult to sleep even with the fan. I know that my thoughts give me my feelings, that my perspective, my outlook makes all the difference. Personal projects sit unattended to. I fantasize my funeral and being released from my own misery. I get through the work day get in a swim, come home make dinner and collapse and have no energy for anything else. I can barely get my errands and weekend chores done without feeling wiped out and exhausted....

keep on plugging away ... keep working out get those good feelings back...

insecure

 

 

"It is a sign of great inner insecurity to be hostile to the unfamiliar." --Anais Nin, seen here in 1970, photographed by Barnabas Bosshart.                                   

I recognize this in me and it is true.

here now

Day #3
One Day at a Time
Forget yesterday. Good or bad, it's over. If it's worth examining, put in that energy. Don't make those same mistakes again. But then forget it.

Imagine the future. Get inspired. Then tuck that vision away. The highest high is to embrace this day, this hour, this moment. That's what yoga, meditation, the game of chess, sports, dancing, deep love are all about. HERE and NOW. HERE on this magical planet. HERE in this cozy home. NOW at this stage of your life. NOW on this day of your happy existence.

You can't live yesterday again. You can't live tomorrow yet.

Live today. HERE and NOW.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana

squash the chatter

6/14/13

I signed up to get these 7 days of  pick me ups. I am encouraged by Diana because she just doesn't give up and I need that.  She is sixty 3 now I think, and I will be sixty in October, so she reminds me that age is no deterrent to achievement. This journey to wellness is as tough in some ways as her journey to swim that dam channel.  I just cannot give up, that is my path..to not give up. She inspires me. Not to mention she is hot as hell..

Day #1

Squash the Chatter
When we're tired, when we're low, when our confidence is wavering, the negative chatter starts buzzing in our brains. We've got to remember it's only us, each of us alone, who's keeping us back. It's the Eleanor Roosevelt quote: "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. "Tell your inner voice to stop it. Stop the monkey chatter. Even if you don't have the energy or will at a down time to get yourself all the way up, at the very least quiet your inner negative voice. Shhh. Until tomorrow, "Onward!"
~ Diana


Day #2

Dare to Dream Big.

Often teachers of upper echelon teenage students say that the kids have been taught to make low, uninspired goals. It's become so crucial to them to succeed, to be stars, that they choose mediocre goals they can easily trump than take the risk at failing at an inspired dream.

Sure, we have to make a living. We have to muck along, to a degree, just to live in this real world. But when it comes to our creativity, our life blood, that's not time to shoot low. Shoot for the starts. Even if you come darn close, you'll feel ALIVE.

Don't choose mediocre dreams. They're not worthy of you.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana
Day #4

Be Bold.

Don't be afraid. Fear is part and parcel of the human condition. None of us gets through this life without fear. But we have a choice, day to day. It's fairy tale time to think any one of us can live a totally fearless existence. But we can tackle our careers, our relationships, our personal dreams with brave, bold attitude.

If you stand tall, feel your grit, stride forward with strength, you feel yourself rise and chances are high you will triumph.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

Day #5

No Regrets.

You may not win at everything you try. Matter of fact, you will never win at everything you try. But you get to the end of each day, each year, your entire life with no regrets by living it all with unbridled passion.

Half-way leaves you doubting how much better you could have been. Don't give it half your effort. Give it ALL.

No regrets.

Until tomorrow, "Onward!"

~ Diana

boundaries

Met with Alyson yesterday. We had a good session. I talked about what happened between K and I. It was helpful. I have been hurt because K has not come through on talking about what happened in Bflo on my last visit. Alyson had a good suggestion. New Approach. Set a boundary and forget about the conversation, the processing. It always turns into a back and forth circle conversation and nothing is resolved. Alyson suggested I just set a boundary. Something like.

"I have been thinking about this and I have decided that we do not need to have the conversation. An apology at some point would be nice, but what I really want to say is what happened, cannot happen again. You cannot talk me that way. You will either respect me and my choices or you won't. But you will not speak to me that way or say hurtful things to me. If you decide that someday you want to have a conversation about what happened, then we will. It's up to you. But it cannot happen again. Ever." 

 

All that is left now is for me to do that. This will set a boundary. Might actually make K feel safer. I like this new approach. The conversations or the processing I have always insisted on has never been satisfactory. K as ALWAYS resisted or rebelled against it. I should abandon the processing. It only cause more hurt.  One stone at a time build a boundary.

 

I also talked about how I left Bflo as a way to stop the fights with K. To give her space to become her own person. I talked about how I have been walking on eggshells around Kate. Her response was "You have lost your voice" True. I have lost my voice. I am not going to do that anymore. I lost my voice before. But then I found it. I am going to do that again. Find my voice.

 

On another note. I met with my doc last week. Everything is status quo. Sugar levels are right where she wants them. One concern is my calcium levels are out of the normal range.  She wrote to me...The only thing out of line was your calcium. This is not a "scary" calcium problem. (i.e. This is NOT cancer. This is NOT Tuberculosis. Etc.) I know this because those things give you a low parathyroid hormone level and yours is NOT low. So, it is probably a side effect of your hydrochlorothiazide and some longstanding secondary hyperparathyroidism from vitamin D deficiency. However, it could be primary hyperparathyroidism (not a cancer- a benign but annoying problem that can lead to osteoporosis and kidney stones). The plan is to watch it. And she has ordered a bone scan test. It scared me to read This is NOT cancer. I have had cancer so to even read the C word in a message about me was disturbing. It reminds me how vulnerable I am, and how I stay at this job or keep working at jobs to have health insurance because I have health issues. Not because it is the work I want to do, but because I need a bone scan.

Eggshells

So today is the day I drive back home to A2. I am quite tired and exhausted. I enjoyed being here working with Tee on the show. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I caught myself more than once, sayings things like I'm happy...right now in this moment I am happy... I love this. I feel I did a good job of running the show and taking care of the artists. Every once in a while I would catch myself thinking about or checking in with work back in A2 at my job,  but for the most part I let it go. That felt good too.

I had many good moments while here. The ritual with Cyd, Garland and Phoenix for Hilda was important and I feel we made it beautiful and impactful for all of us. I saw Ron and talked art for a couple of hours. I sat in coffee shops and read my book. I got a haircut from Michele and a massage from Kathy Regan. I went to Ujima and saw the new show. And then I worked the show for Tee. It was an amazing trip down my old  Bflo  life memory lane. Including fights with Kate.

Kate and I did not get along. Get along. Odd expression isn't it? To be or continue to be on harmonious terms. Yea..no harmony. When I first arrived things between us were good. She was very busy with work all week. But Friday through Monday she had off. Friday she came to the site and acted like a punk. And also on Saturday morning. It would do no good for me to recount every hurtful moment so I won't. But by Saturday morning after I asked her for help and we had a big argument, by then I was done. I called Trish in tears. I pulled my car over to the side of road, and crying I called her. She comforted me and I told her something I have never admitted to before. One of the reasons I left Bflo was to give Kate and myself some distance and space between us. She was not surprised by my revelation, and commented that I have been walking on eggshells around Kate for years. It did feel good to finally after ten years say that out loud. The public position has always been that I left to find work, and that is true...but also because Kate had become so difficult, that it seemed like my only option-she just would not stop fighting with me.

Walking on eggshells-a situation in which people make every effort not to offend a volatile or hypersensitive person. Literally walking on the empty shells of eggs requires exceptional caution and self-control, similar to the feeling of avoiding conflict with their loved one. Even the slightest offense may be enough to trigger an explosive emotional outburst. It may be viewed as a form of self-preservation, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or dread. Failure to maintain such a non-confrontational atmosphere may end badly.

We have made progress in our relationship as mother and daughter-we have even had authentic connections and greater understanding with each other these past few years. We have both matured. Still we revert back to old habits, and it is always so hurtful to us both. It was as if she was jealous of the fact that I was having a good time. Jealous that something- not her- was making me happy and she did not like it so she acted like a spoiled brat-selfish and mean.

Now I have decided I am done walking on eggshells around Kate. I am going to be myself, and I am going to require that she speak to me respectively or forfeit the relationship, not completely but to a shallower less meaningful level. Maybe that is what she wants. She and Erin spend too much time in bars and too much time drinking. I have kept silent about that, been non-judgmental but all that does is make me feel crappy, and swallowing my fears around her drinking is bad for me and for Kate.

She said to me yesterday that she wanted to go to dinner after the dyke march, she and Erin had had enough of loud people and drinking. But that never happened. After the march it was into the bars for drinking. Very disappointing that a march I founded 14 years ago has dissolved into a meaningless activity that ends in drinking. Self destructive behavior supported by a non-profit - where is their mission for the community?

I finally left-nothing substantive ever really happens in a bar. People are busy avoiding their lives and their feelings. When I left Kate asked me to come over for coffee at 9. Not likely because I am pretty sure she stayed out drinking. And that means I am sitting in an apartment with her and Erin while they cook and eat and watch TV, and no real discussion. My goal before I leave is to have a "dialogue" with her. No more walking on eggshells. Just tell her my truth and my fears.

At the parade with Kate and Erin I felt quiet. Kate called later than 9-and we just met at the parade. I watched it and then drove home. She and Erin walked me to my car to say goodbyes. Erin hugs me I love you she says and I think really I have been here a week and as usual we have spent no time together. Erin keeps me at a distance. I like Erin she has many good qualities but she keeps me at a distance, Kate hugs me and says I love you, you are my favorite person in the whole world. No apology. I responded with but we have problems, and we have to deal with them, because it hurts both of us. Her response was I know. So we need to talk Kate. We will she said We will.

Not one phone call since I got home.