Eggshells

So today is the day I drive back home to A2. I am quite tired and exhausted. I enjoyed being here working with Tee on the show. It was the most fun I have had in a very long time. I caught myself more than once, sayings things like I'm happy...right now in this moment I am happy... I love this. I feel I did a good job of running the show and taking care of the artists. Every once in a while I would catch myself thinking about or checking in with work back in A2 at my job,  but for the most part I let it go. That felt good too.

I had many good moments while here. The ritual with Cyd, Garland and Phoenix for Hilda was important and I feel we made it beautiful and impactful for all of us. I saw Ron and talked art for a couple of hours. I sat in coffee shops and read my book. I got a haircut from Michele and a massage from Kathy Regan. I went to Ujima and saw the new show. And then I worked the show for Tee. It was an amazing trip down my old  Bflo  life memory lane. Including fights with Kate.

Kate and I did not get along. Get along. Odd expression isn't it? To be or continue to be on harmonious terms. Yea..no harmony. When I first arrived things between us were good. She was very busy with work all week. But Friday through Monday she had off. Friday she came to the site and acted like a punk. And also on Saturday morning. It would do no good for me to recount every hurtful moment so I won't. But by Saturday morning after I asked her for help and we had a big argument, by then I was done. I called Trish in tears. I pulled my car over to the side of road, and crying I called her. She comforted me and I told her something I have never admitted to before. One of the reasons I left Bflo was to give Kate and myself some distance and space between us. She was not surprised by my revelation, and commented that I have been walking on eggshells around Kate for years. It did feel good to finally after ten years say that out loud. The public position has always been that I left to find work, and that is true...but also because Kate had become so difficult, that it seemed like my only option-she just would not stop fighting with me.

Walking on eggshells-a situation in which people make every effort not to offend a volatile or hypersensitive person. Literally walking on the empty shells of eggs requires exceptional caution and self-control, similar to the feeling of avoiding conflict with their loved one. Even the slightest offense may be enough to trigger an explosive emotional outburst. It may be viewed as a form of self-preservation, often accompanied by feelings of anxiety or dread. Failure to maintain such a non-confrontational atmosphere may end badly.

We have made progress in our relationship as mother and daughter-we have even had authentic connections and greater understanding with each other these past few years. We have both matured. Still we revert back to old habits, and it is always so hurtful to us both. It was as if she was jealous of the fact that I was having a good time. Jealous that something- not her- was making me happy and she did not like it so she acted like a spoiled brat-selfish and mean.

Now I have decided I am done walking on eggshells around Kate. I am going to be myself, and I am going to require that she speak to me respectively or forfeit the relationship, not completely but to a shallower less meaningful level. Maybe that is what she wants. She and Erin spend too much time in bars and too much time drinking. I have kept silent about that, been non-judgmental but all that does is make me feel crappy, and swallowing my fears around her drinking is bad for me and for Kate.

She said to me yesterday that she wanted to go to dinner after the dyke march, she and Erin had had enough of loud people and drinking. But that never happened. After the march it was into the bars for drinking. Very disappointing that a march I founded 14 years ago has dissolved into a meaningless activity that ends in drinking. Self destructive behavior supported by a non-profit - where is their mission for the community?

I finally left-nothing substantive ever really happens in a bar. People are busy avoiding their lives and their feelings. When I left Kate asked me to come over for coffee at 9. Not likely because I am pretty sure she stayed out drinking. And that means I am sitting in an apartment with her and Erin while they cook and eat and watch TV, and no real discussion. My goal before I leave is to have a "dialogue" with her. No more walking on eggshells. Just tell her my truth and my fears.

At the parade with Kate and Erin I felt quiet. Kate called later than 9-and we just met at the parade. I watched it and then drove home. She and Erin walked me to my car to say goodbyes. Erin hugs me I love you she says and I think really I have been here a week and as usual we have spent no time together. Erin keeps me at a distance. I like Erin she has many good qualities but she keeps me at a distance, Kate hugs me and says I love you, you are my favorite person in the whole world. No apology. I responded with but we have problems, and we have to deal with them, because it hurts both of us. Her response was I know. So we need to talk Kate. We will she said We will.

Not one phone call since I got home.