flat

My life feels flat. I get out of bed because I wake up and because I have to go to work so I can pay the bills like the car note and insurance so I can go to sleep and rest and then wake up and drive to work. I have had the urge to chuck it all but know that I cannot. Work is okay but I feel no real excitement in my tasks from day to day and the goals are easily reached. I feel an outsider there. Everyone is het and married with young children. I'm about to turn sixty, and am gay with a grown daughter who lives in another state. I have made it back to the gym after a long absence post surgery. I have been swimming and if I can keep that going I know the endorphins will kick in and I will feel elevated naturally. I was surprised at how stiff and knotted my muscles were and when I wake in the morning I can feel that work out pain but that is a good thing.  I'm in a funk for sure. I hate the hot humid weather. Difficult to sleep even with the fan. I know that my thoughts give me my feelings, that my perspective, my outlook makes all the difference. Personal projects sit unattended to. I fantasize my funeral and being released from my own misery. I get through the work day get in a swim, come home make dinner and collapse and have no energy for anything else. I can barely get my errands and weekend chores done without feeling wiped out and exhausted....

keep on plugging away ... keep working out get those good feelings back...