agreements and etc.

 Reading the four agreements and I can see why D wanted me to read it.  I do like it. Treating it like a motel bible I have a copy in both current travel destinations.  Seems odd to be traveling back n forth so much. Trip is getting easier.

Memory loss or lapses or amnesia  concerns me. It seems severe. Suddenly more so, and new to the experience, just not remembering, as if it never happened.

I have to go to work today and it is the last thing I want to do. Last. Yesterday was perfectly horrid. I am again binging to forget all that I am seeing and feeling. It is too much to bear. It is wearing me down and I am rebelling in old ways. Ways I had stopped for years.

perfectly horrid
because i stopped the feelings
but what i had to do to stop them

sugar
lots
sleep
pot sugar sleep
that was the perfect part.. the sleep
soft sheets and pillows
purring cat
comfort
sleep
I awake yesterday at 3 and was on the road by 3:30 a.m. got to A2 by 9 a.m.
and spent the day as described

now today i must normalize and go to work and work

stat a new journal
throw out anything from M..still finding odds and ends
and that is what she was-- just odds and ends.
 now swept into a dustpan...and lost to the landfill
along with her un-forwarded mail

panic
if they only knew
nothing bad is going to happen
but something bad always happens
so when i tell myself to calm down
i immediately revert and remember trauma and loss
and say no something bad will happen


last Thursday day after therapy
why does it take me so long to get angry at what has happened to me, why don't I get the anger out right away. Because it is not safe. It is not safe to express my anger, my brother's threats prevented me expressing my anger. The fear being that if I express my anger I would lose the love of my family. I would be outcast.  powerful stuff.

Last Friday leaving for bflo
Express anger through activism. 
leave this afternoon for bflo, again.

drive getting easier. im the little engine that does.
ever ready bunny

buffalo buffalo buffalo

so very different from A2, it is striking ... how different.

here doing dyke march work .. meetings and stuff.

i am suspended between feelings of hope and feelings of should i come home?

here is maybe a better place for me to be creative. the dyke march has given me a place to be creative...despite the horrible heat and only ac in my car not where I am staying shit

sense of belonging very strong here
feel safe here

but being around Kate full time would be a stressor
she is so full of anxiety

being home is familiar and I feel so unfamiliar to myself right now, that being home is a comfort

resistant and persistent

i am resisitent and resilient

some of my resilience comes from

• Close relationship with my father
• confidence in my strengths and abilities
• Good problem-solving and communication skills
• Seeking help and resources
• Seeing myself as resilient (rather than as a victim)
• Helping others
• Finding positive meaning in my life despite difficult or traumatic event

This past week in Buffalo I met a young woman who was carrying a world full of hurt. And i had  an opportunity to learn again that what has saved me from being her...is my resilience. That is why I am still vertical.

I am not going to give up. I will continue to seek help and resources, I will continue to curate my self care, and I will continue to find positive meaning.

I believe that i am resistant and persistent and need to practice consistent.