agreements and etc.

 Reading the four agreements and I can see why D wanted me to read it.  I do like it. Treating it like a motel bible I have a copy in both current travel destinations.  Seems odd to be traveling back n forth so much. Trip is getting easier.

Memory loss or lapses or amnesia  concerns me. It seems severe. Suddenly more so, and new to the experience, just not remembering, as if it never happened.

I have to go to work today and it is the last thing I want to do. Last. Yesterday was perfectly horrid. I am again binging to forget all that I am seeing and feeling. It is too much to bear. It is wearing me down and I am rebelling in old ways. Ways I had stopped for years.

perfectly horrid
because i stopped the feelings
but what i had to do to stop them

sugar
lots
sleep
pot sugar sleep
that was the perfect part.. the sleep
soft sheets and pillows
purring cat
comfort
sleep
I awake yesterday at 3 and was on the road by 3:30 a.m. got to A2 by 9 a.m.
and spent the day as described

now today i must normalize and go to work and work

stat a new journal
throw out anything from M..still finding odds and ends
and that is what she was-- just odds and ends.
 now swept into a dustpan...and lost to the landfill
along with her un-forwarded mail

panic
if they only knew
nothing bad is going to happen
but something bad always happens
so when i tell myself to calm down
i immediately revert and remember trauma and loss
and say no something bad will happen


last Thursday day after therapy
why does it take me so long to get angry at what has happened to me, why don't I get the anger out right away. Because it is not safe. It is not safe to express my anger, my brother's threats prevented me expressing my anger. The fear being that if I express my anger I would lose the love of my family. I would be outcast.  powerful stuff.

Last Friday leaving for bflo
Express anger through activism. 
leave this afternoon for bflo, again.

drive getting easier. im the little engine that does.
ever ready bunny